IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

In many countries children are engaged in some kinf of paid work. Some people regard this a completely wrong, while others consider it as valuable work experience, important for learning and taking responsibility. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

#countries #children #kinf #work #people #responsibility
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
On the topic of
children
Change noun form
children's
show examples
 paid
work
Use synonyms
, I stay
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 the side of the people who say it is completely wrong and
don’t
Use synonyms
 agree with the others who
thinks
Change the verb form
think
show examples
 it is valuable
work
Use synonyms
experience
Use synonyms
.
In
Change preposition
On
show examples
one
Correct article usage
the one
show examples
 hand we can see that in some developing countries children are engaged in paid
works
Fix the agreement mistake
work
show examples
, the main reason
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
why
these
Correct pronoun usage
this
show examples
 is a bad thing is because of the conditions they are in.
Usualy
Correct your spelling
Usually
 where someone is looking to hire kids in some sort of way it is because it is cheaper. The other main reason is
because
Replace the word
that
show examples
 when a kid is working it
mean
Change the verb form
means
show examples
 he isn’t studying, so he will not have
high
Replace the word
highly
show examples
 valuable skills in the future,
what
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 will lead him to a
low quality
Add a hyphen
low-quality
show examples
 job
the
Change preposition
for the
show examples
 rest of his life. The
numbers
Fix the agreement mistake
number
show examples
 of how
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
kids
are
Correct pronoun usage
who are
show examples
some times
Correct your spelling
sometimes
show examples
 forced to
work
Use synonyms
 is insanely high, that some countries
such
Linking Words
 as
china
Capitalize word
China
show examples
 back them when it was legal the
child
Fix the agreement mistake
children
show examples
Use synonyms
work
Fix the infinitive
to work
show examples
, had to create a law saying that a kid can’t
work
Use synonyms
 more than 10 hours a day
wich
Correct your spelling
which
show examples
show
Change the verb form
shows
show examples
 the abuse these kid suffer.
In
Change preposition
On
show examples
 the other hand for the people saying
these
Correct pronoun usage
this
show examples
 could be a good
work
Use synonyms
experience
Use synonyms
 they
don’t
Use synonyms
 have
into
Change preposition
in
show examples
acount
Correct your spelling
account
 as I said before
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
if they
work
Use synonyms
the
Correct your spelling
they
show examples
don’t
Use synonyms
 study, so they are throwing in some sort of way their future for
work
Use synonyms
experience
Use synonyms
 for bad quality
work
Use synonyms
. In
adition
Correct your spelling
addition
 there will have bad consequences for the country, having
less
Correct quantifier usage
fewer
show examples
 qualified people for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
important Jobs. In conclusion, I
don’t
Use synonyms
 agree with the idea of valuable
work
Use synonyms
experience
Use synonyms
 and I agree with the statement
that
Linking Words
is
Correct your spelling
it
show examples
 is
completly
Correct your spelling
completely
 Wrong.
Submitted by santos_dij on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
The essay lacks a balanced discussion of the two views presented in the prompt. You need to discuss both sides of the argument equally before presenting your own opinion.
coherence and cohesion
Logical structure is lacking, with points not logically flowing from one to the next. You should work on using clear topic sentences and ensuring that each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next.
coherence and cohesion
Main points are not fully supported with detailed examples or explanations. Each main point should be expanded upon with evidence or examples to strengthen the argument.
coherence and cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are both minimal, providing insufficient framing for the essay. Be sure to clearly state the topic and outline the structure in the introduction, and summarize the key points before stating your final opinion in the conclusion.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: