IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3

Some people believe that it is a good idea to continue to work at their old age. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #idea #work #age
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Nowadays, more and more
people
Use synonyms
 remain working
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
 their old age. I
completly
Correct your spelling
completely
 agree. In
this
Linking Words
 essay, I will argue that seniors still can keep working as long as their health allows.
Firstly
Linking Words
, working can
helps
Wrong verb form
help
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 to prevent old
people
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 from
mental
Add a missing verb
having mental
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 problems. In fact, many
people
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 experience loneliness and depression after their retirement. Especially to those who live far away from their
childrens
Correct your spelling
children
children's
 and grandkids. In my workplace, many
of
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apply
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elderly workers share that they enjoy going to
work
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 for a few days
everyweek
Correct your spelling
every week
 as they can meet and interact with
people
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, it keeps them
be
Unnecessary verb
apply
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active and busy.
Hence
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,
remaning
Correct your spelling
remaining
 to
work
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 is good for
mental
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the mental
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 health of old
people
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.
Secondly
Linking Words
, working allows old
people
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 to stay financially independent. It's common that retirement income is not enough to for their expenses.
Therefore
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, many seniors choose to keep working so that they don't have to rely on funds from the children or the government.
Thus
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, they can spend freely on hobbies
such
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 as travelling.
For instance
Linking Words
, in
tourist
Add an article
the tourist
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 business, more tours are designed for elderly groups since they can still earn money. In conclusion, it is a good idea that
people
Use synonyms
 continue to
work
Use synonyms
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
 their old age since working helps to prevent mental problems,
as well as
Linking Words
 being financially independent. One thing that
elderly
Correct article usage
the elderly
show examples
needs
Correct subject-verb agreement
need
show examples
 to balance is
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
to
work
Use synonyms
less
Change the quantifier
fewer
show examples
 hours and retain their physical energy.
Submitted by thanhvan230688 on

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coherence cohesion
While attempting the IELTS essay, ensure that you have a balanced structure which includes an introduction, at least two body paragraphs with clear main ideas, and a conclusion. Each paragraph should have a clear central topic that is developed with relevant examples or arguments. Consider expanding on your arguments with specific examples to support your points more effectively.
task achievement
In your essay, you presented your viewpoint but failed to thoroughly elaborate on your ideas. The argument would benefit from more in-depth explanation and analysis. Your main points would be strengthened by more developed arguments and relevant, varied examples from a range of sources.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • lifelong employment
  • senior workforce
  • retirement age
  • pension schemes
  • financial security
  • age discrimination
  • workforce diversity
  • technological savvy
  • healthcare considerations
  • mental acuity
  • social contribution
  • intergenerational transfer of knowledge
  • quality of life
  • career longevity
  • voluntary work
  • compulsory retirement
  • flexible working arrangements
  • job market dynamics
  • dignified retirement
  • work-life balance
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