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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The graph shows the percentage of total US population aged 65 and over between 1900 and 2000.

The graph shows the percentage of total US population aged 65 and over between 1900 and 2000.
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The given bar graph illustrates the proportion of
US
Correct article usage
the US
show examples
 population during a period of 100
years
Use synonyms
, from 1900 to 2000. The units were measured in per cent and the
age
Use synonyms
divided
Add a missing verb
was divided
show examples
 into three
age
Use synonyms
Use synonyms
group
Fix the agreement mistake
groups
show examples
, which were 65-74
years
Use synonyms
 old, 75-84
years
Use synonyms
 old and more than 85
years
Use synonyms
 old.
Overall
Linking Words
, it can be clearly seen that the majority of
US
Correct article usage
the US
show examples
 population aged 65 and over, was in
Use synonyms
age
Add an article
the age
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group
Use synonyms
 of 65-74
years
Use synonyms
 old.
Moreover
Linking Words
, all
age
Use synonyms
Use synonyms
group
Fix the agreement mistake
groups
show examples
 were increased gradually throughout the given period. In terms of
Use synonyms
age
Add an article
the age
show examples
group
Use synonyms
 of 65-74
years
Use synonyms
 old,
this
Linking Words
group
Use synonyms
 was the biggest percentage compared with other
age
Use synonyms
 groups for the rest of the year. The figure stood at 2.9% in the
intial
Correct your spelling
initial
 year.
Additionally
Linking Words
,
number
Correct article usage
the number
show examples
grow
Wrong verb form
grew
show examples
 gradually and reached 7.3% in 1900 before dropping to 6.5% in the
last
Linking Words
 10
years
Use synonyms
. Regarding
Use synonyms
age
Correct article usage
the age
show examples
group
Use synonyms
 of 75 - 84
years
Use synonyms
 old, the proportion began at exactly 1% in 1900 and increased by 0.1% every 10
years
Use synonyms
 between 1910 and 1930.
Started
Wrong verb form
Starting
show examples
 in 1940, the number went up significantly
by
Change preposition
in
show examples
range
Correct article usage
the range
show examples
0.4
Change preposition
of 0.4
show examples
% - 0.6% and finished at 4.4% in 2000.
Lastly
Linking Words
,
Use synonyms
age
Correct article usage
the age
show examples
group
Use synonyms
 of more than 85
years
Use synonyms
 old, has a small percentage stood at 0.2% in 1900 and remained
unchaged
Correct your spelling
unchanged
 until 1930. In 1940, the figure
grow
Wrong verb form
grew
show examples
 gradually and
significant
Correct article usage
a significant
show examples
 rise
occured
Correct your spelling
occurred
 from 1970 to 2000 and reached
at
Remove the preposition
apply
show examples
1.5%.

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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: Replace the words years, age, group with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "figure" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "give" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "increased" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "reached" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "stood" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "gradually" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "significantly" was used 2 times.
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