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Band 5

In many countries, people are now living longer than ever before. Some people say an ageing population creates problems for governments. Other people think there are benefits if society has more elderly people. To what extent do the advantages of having an ageing population outweigh the disadvantages?

#countries #people #population #governments #society
Nowadays, individuals are living longer than ever before. Some experts claim that an ageing population creates issues for governments,
while
 others believe that
society
Correct article usage
a society
show examples
 which has more
elders
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 more beneficial. Despite its advantages, I believe that having more elderly communities produces more negative sides and
this
Correct determiner usage
the
show examples
 following paragraphs will shed light on both advantages and disadvantages.
To begin
 with, elderly societies have many insights from their life experiences. They have faced so many challenges and still survive until nowadays. Youth can learn much information and wisdom from their life stories
as well as
 the
government
, especially when making public policies.
For instance
,
Government
Correct article usage
the Government
show examples
 of Indonesia can ask
Change preposition
for feedbacks
show examples
feedbacks
Fix the agreement mistake
feedback
show examples
 from
elders
 about the implementation of
Correct article usage
the military's
show examples
military's
Change noun form
military
show examples
 authority to
fulfill
Change the spelling
fulfil
show examples
 some civil positions in the
government
 because
elders
 are
also
 a part of
histories
Fix the agreement mistake
history
show examples
 and they know how the former laws were implemented.
However
, having too many elderly individuals
also
 means that a nation does not have enough productive workforce.
This
 condition can hinder
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
economic growth because of the limitation of elderly people, specifically related to their health to do certain things
unlike
Add the comma(s)
, unlike
show examples
 teenagers. As an illustration, Japan now faces a problem regarding the domination of
elders
 which makes them unable to meet the demand from the
manufacture
Change the verb form
manufacturing
show examples
 industry which requires many human
capitals
Fix the agreement mistake
capital
show examples
,
therefore
, their economic development recently is relatively stuck because they need to take some younger workers from other countries.
Not to mention
 that
elders
also
 get pensions from the
government
 which is
also
 burdening the state budget. In conclusion,
while
 people argue that having
ageing
Correct article usage
an ageing
show examples
 population provides benefits for the
government
, I believe that having more productive people is more advantageous.
Submitted by ru.kabiru.biru on

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task achievement
Your essay presents a clear position on the topic, which is good. However, ensure that all your main points are sufficiently developed and supported with more specific examples and explanations. For instance, the discussion on how elderly people can influence public policies could be elaborated with more evidence or examples.
task achievement
Try to develop a more nuanced stance rather than presenting a dichotomous view. The essay can benefit from acknowledging the complexity of the issue, showcasing that advantages and disadvantages may not be mutually exclusive. Additionally, terms such as 'hinder' could be better expressed to soften the tone when discussing negative aspects.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a logical structure and the ideas flow relatively well, but can be improved with clearer topic sentences and subsections. Use transitional words and phrases more effectively to link ideas and paragraphs. Your introduction and conclusion are adequate, but could provide a more engaging opening and a more comprehensive summary.
task achievement
Your essay presents a balanced view by discussing both the advantages and disadvantages of an ageing population. This showcases an ability to consider different perspectives, which is crucial for a good IELTS essay.
coherence cohesion
The overall structure of your essay, including a clear introduction and conclusion, helps in presenting your arguments coherently. Your use of paragraphs to separate main ideas is effective.
other
Your language use and vocabulary are mostly appropriate for the task. The essay shows an attempt to use complex sentence structures and varied vocabulary. This enhances the readability and demonstrates a good command of English.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • ageing population
  • benefits
  • disadvantages
  • advantages
  • experience
  • knowledge
  • contribution
  • economy
  • society
  • healthcare
  • youth employment
  • community
  • intergenerational support
  • volunteerism
  • mentorship
  • increased demand
  • pension costs
  • social welfare systems
  • workforce
  • productivity
  • intergenerational conflict
  • technological adaptability
  • dependency
  • effective
  • skill development
  • employment opportunities
  • intergenerational solidarity
  • communication
  • lifelong learning
  • technological literacy
  • age-friendly
  • social policies
  • infrastructure
What to do next:
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