IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people believe that it is wrong to keep animals in zoo. While others think that zoos are both entertaining and ecologically important. Discuss both views

#people #animals #zoo #zoos
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The issue of whether or not
animals
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 should be kept in
zoos
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 has sparked a lot of controversy. Some
people
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 believe that it is bad to keep
animals
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 in
zoos
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while
Linking Words
 others say that
zoos
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 are
both
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 interesting and ecologically important. I personally side with those
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
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 argue that
zoos
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 are
both
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 entertaining and ecologically important. Some
people
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 articulate that
zoos
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 have
got
Verb problem
apply
show examples
many disadvantages to
both
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 the environment and the
animals
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. It is argued that
zoos
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 take away the freedom of wild
animals
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although
Linking Words
 they receive enough food and medical treatment from their keepers.
Zoos
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 are usually small spaces that are used to accommodate a large number of different species of
animals
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 thereby not allowing enough freedom of movement.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, wild
animals
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 in
zoos
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 get genetically modified food which might not be good for their health. It is
also
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 said that
keeping
Correct article usage
the keeping
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 of
animals
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 in
zoos
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 negatively affects the ecosystem in the
sance
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sense
 that herbivors will overgraze on
this
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 land leading to soil erosion. Despite all these
drawsbacks
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drawbacks
, on the the other
hand
Add a comma
hand,
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 other
people
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 think that keeping
of
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apply
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animals
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 in
zoos
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have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
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 got a lot of benefits for human beings and the ecosystem.
People
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 point out that
zoos
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 can be used for tourism and educational purposes.
Zoos
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 draw a lot of attention from
both
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 local and foreign tourists who
visits
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visit
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 them for entertainment purposes thereby generating funds for the local community and the government
while
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also
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 allowing
people
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 to learn about wild
animals
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 and the environment.
In addition
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, keeping
of
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apply
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disadvantaged
animals
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for example
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 flightless birds in
zoos
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 protects them from wild preditors thereby avoiding
extintion
Correct your spelling
extinction
. I personally side with those
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 believe that keeping
of
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apply
show examples
animals
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 in
zoos
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 generates income for the local community and the government
although
Linking Words
 it
is violating
Wrong verb form
violates
show examples
Use synonyms
animals
Change noun form
animals'
animal's
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 rights.
Submitted by karigaruvimbo on

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coherence cohesion
Consider organizing your essay with clear paragraphing, each with a central idea supported by specific examples or evidence. Utilizing linking phrases effectively can also enhance the logical flow.
task achievement
Ensure that you discuss both views thoroughly before stating your opinion. Provide a balanced argument with specific examples and extend your ideas appropriately.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • infringe
  • natural habitats
  • psychological well-being
  • stress and boredom
  • educational experiences
  • wildlife conservation
  • breeding programs
  • endangered species
  • ethical cost
  • virtual reality
  • nature documentaries
  • economic considerations
  • generate income
  • tourism
  • conservation efforts
  • funds
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