IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some countries allow old people to work to any stage that they want. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

#countries #people #work #stage
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The age of retirement has been profoundly debated among
people
. In some countries,
people
 are permitted to work as long as they desire without any restriction. In my opinion,
this
 can bring some advantages,
while
 the drawbacks far outweigh the benefits. On the positive side, older individuals can bring valuable contributions to the workforce, particularly in terms of diversity. Their wealth of experiences and unique perspectives can enhance innovation and problem-solving within the company. It is not uncommon to see seasoned professionals occupying top positions in renowned companies
such
 as Apple or Google.
However
, it is important to note that it is only a small fraction of many cases. In other cases, older
people
 may struggle to match the productivity level of their younger counterparts. Challenges
such
 as responding swiftly to emerging issues and meeting deadlines can diminish the value-added they bring to the team.
Conversely
,
aging
Change the spelling
ageing
show examples
people
 place significant strain on
healthcare
 systems. As individuals, age, they are more prone to develop age-related health conditions, necessitating increased medical attention, long-term care, and assistance with chronic ailments. The mounting demand for
healthcare
 can be seen as a major disadvantage to society because it potentially diverts the financial allocation from other crucial sectors
such
 as education, business subsidies, and infrastructure.
Consequently
, the
overall
 quality of life in a country may decline
due to
 the overwhelmed
healthcare
 system. In conclusion,
while
 older individuals can foster workplace diversity, in my opinion, the burden they place on the
healthcare
 system far outweighs the advantages because the need to allocate substantial funds to meet the growing
healthcare
 demands of
aging
Change the spelling
ageing
show examples
people
 can have detrimental effects on other vital sectors in society.
Submitted by nurulfitriakamilah on

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coherence cohesion
The essay presents a logical structure, with a position taken; however, it lacks clear paragraphing which results in ideas being clustered together. To improve, separate the main ideas into different paragraphs. Each paragraph should introduce a single idea and expand on it before moving to the next point.
coherence cohesion
Introduction and conclusion are present but could be enhanced by more clearly stating the thesis in the introduction and summarizing the main points in the conclusion. It is important for the conclusion to reflect back on the thesis and provide a concise summary without adding new information.
coherence cohesion
While the main points are supported, the supporting examples and discussions are not fully developed. For better scores, provide more detailed examples and explanations to reinforce each main point. This requires a balance between general statements and specific, illustrative details.
task achievement
You have addressed the prompt, but the response is not entirely complete. Make sure to discuss the advantages and disadvantages more evenly and provide a more balanced examination of the issue. Additionally, directly address how one outweighs the other to fulfill the task requirement.
task achievement
Ideas presented are clear but could be more comprehensive. It would be beneficial to explore the advantages and disadvantages with equal depth, which will aid in presenting a more convincing and rounded argument.
task achievement
The use of relevant examples is good, but for a higher band score, incorporate a wider range of specific examples that're directly related to the discussed advantages and disadvantages, thereby allowing the reader to clearly see the impact of each.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • intergenerational
  • knowledge transfer
  • mentor
  • labor shortage
  • economic growth
  • sense of purpose
  • well-being
  • adopt new technologies
  • fast-changing
  • generation gap
  • upward mobility
  • workplace diversity
  • professional expectations
  • aging populations
  • work ethics
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