Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
In today's society, technology plays a major part in every generation's life. It is said that
children
are most likely to play
their
Change preposition
on their
show examples
phones for most of the day. In my opinion, the idea mentioned is mainly caused by the benefit of technology that could easily provide any source of people's needs.
However
,
this
phenomenon could lead to some negative outcomes.
Firstly
, the main problem
of
Change preposition
with
show examples
the massive time usage of phones
in
Change preposition
by
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
children
is
because
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
that they are looking for the easiest way to fulfil their
enjoyments
Fix the agreement mistake
enjoyment
show examples
. By operating the smartphones, they could easily access many sources of entertainment from the internet.
Secondly
,
this
case
also
Add a missing verb
is also
show examples
supported by the act of the parents who
depended
Add the preposition
depended on
show examples
their
children
with
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
smart
advices
Change the wording
advice
pieces of advice
bits of advice
show examples
in order to accompany them.
For instance
, when their kids are starting to cry for no reason, many of the parents are directly started to give them a phone, so that it can
reassurance
Replace the word
reassure
show examples
their
children
. That approach is
continuosly
Correct your spelling
continuously
creating
an
Change the article
a
show examples
usual habit towards the
children
for
further
ages.
On the other hand
, despite bringing various convenient impacts, I believe that based on the case above,
this
phenomenon contains negative possibilities that could happen. Many
children
could be easily addicted to the point it can
harms
Change the verb form
harm
show examples
their mental health.
For example
, a mental problem named nomophobia was caused by
this
exact issue, which numerous
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
people are very anxious and sweaty when they are not on their phones. It is not necessary for
children
to sacrifice their early ages
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
advanced tools,
instead
Add a comma
instead,
show examples
they should be looking for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
fun in their
real life
Add a hyphen
real-life
show examples
surroundings. In conclusion, parents must step out
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
this
problem and take their role by being present to their kids and introducing various
real life
Add a hyphen
real-life
show examples
activities to entertain them.
Submitted by talithanakhwah19 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Ensure the essay sticks to a coherent structure with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. Use linking words effectively to connect ideas and paragraphs.
coherence cohesion
Develop main points more thoroughly and logically. Avoid overgeneralization and ensure each point is fully explained and supported with specific examples.
task achievement
Make sure the response fully addresses all parts of the task. Provide a clear position throughout the essay and offer a more developed argument with specific, relevant examples to support your points.
task achievement
Work on the clarity of your ideas within the essay. Each paragraph should contain one main idea that is expanded upon with clear reasoning and examples.
coherence cohesion
Use a wider range of vocabulary and verify that the essay has been proofread for grammatical accuracy to ensure your ideas are expressed clearly and correctly.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
What to do next:
Look at other essays: