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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

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In today's society, technology plays a major part in every generation's life. It is said that
children
Use synonyms
 are most likely to play
their
Change preposition
on their
show examples
 phones for most of the day. In my opinion, the idea mentioned is mainly caused by the benefit of technology that could easily provide any source of people's needs.
However
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,
this
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 phenomenon could lead to some negative outcomes.
Firstly
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, the main problem
of
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with
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 the massive time usage of phones
in
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by
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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children
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 is
because
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apply
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that they are looking for the easiest way to fulfil their
enjoyments
Fix the agreement mistake
enjoyment
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. By operating the smartphones, they could easily access many sources of entertainment from the internet.
Secondly
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,
this
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 case
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also
Add a missing verb
is also
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 supported by the act of the parents who
depended
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depended on
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 their
children
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 with
the
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apply
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smart
advices
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advice
pieces of advice
bits of advice
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 in order to accompany them.
For instance
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, when their kids are starting to cry for no reason, many of the parents are directly started to give them a phone, so that it can
reassurance
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reassure
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 their
children
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. That approach is
continuosly
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continuously
 creating
an
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a
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 usual habit towards the
children
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 for
further
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 ages.
On the other hand
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, despite bringing various convenient impacts, I believe that based on the case above,
this
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 phenomenon contains negative possibilities that could happen. Many
children
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 could be easily addicted to the point it can
harms
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harm
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 their mental health.
For example
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, a mental problem named nomophobia was caused by
this
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 exact issue, which numerous
of
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apply
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people are very anxious and sweaty when they are not on their phones. It is not necessary for
children
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 to sacrifice their early ages
to
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for
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the
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apply
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advanced tools,
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instead
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instead,
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 they should be looking for
the
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apply
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fun in their
real life
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real-life
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 surroundings. In conclusion, parents must step out
in
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of
show examples
this
Linking Words
 problem and take their role by being present to their kids and introducing various
real life
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real-life
show examples
 activities to entertain them.

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coherence cohesion
Ensure the essay sticks to a coherent structure with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. Use linking words effectively to connect ideas and paragraphs.
coherence cohesion
Develop main points more thoroughly and logically. Avoid overgeneralization and ensure each point is fully explained and supported with specific examples.
task achievement
Make sure the response fully addresses all parts of the task. Provide a clear position throughout the essay and offer a more developed argument with specific, relevant examples to support your points.
task achievement
Work on the clarity of your ideas within the essay. Each paragraph should contain one main idea that is expanded upon with clear reasoning and examples.
coherence cohesion
Use a wider range of vocabulary and verify that the essay has been proofread for grammatical accuracy to ensure your ideas are expressed clearly and correctly.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
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