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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

In some countries, it is illegal for companies to reject job applicants for their age. Is this a positive or negative development????

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In recent years, there
is
Wrong verb form
has been
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 a significant number of nations approved applicants without considering
age
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.
However
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, each has its own perks, I suppose that
this
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 trend brings both advantages and disadvantages and the reasons will be discussed as follows. On the one hand, there are various reasons why I acknowledge that refusing job applicants relative to their
age
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 may bring pros.
To begin
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 with, it depends on the positions of occupations. A case in
this
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 point is jobs which are required to have good health
such
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 as construction, and heavy goods transportation. These occupations are usually more suitable for young people than for older individuals.
Therefore
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,
according to
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 the work environments, employers are able to accept the job applicants for their
age
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.
Besides
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, minimizing recruitment costs and training
also
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 affects
on
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apply
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companies' revenue. Young employees usually work longer, and even they can learn quickly. A prime example of
this
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 is my friend has been working in the Information Technology department since he was 19. He has a great ability to absorb new languages quickly.
Thus
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, he always completes his tasks before the deadline.
On the other hand
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, I assume that rejecting
candidates
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 because of their
age
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 can cause the cons.
Firstly
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, it is relative to legal risks. Imposing limit ages during the recruitment process can lead to
age
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 discrimination.
Secondly
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, it is missing out on leveraging experience. Eliminating
candidates
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 based on
age
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 can result in missing opportunities to leverage valuable experience and knowledge from experienced
candidates
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.
Finally
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, it leads to a lack of dissent. Employees of different ages often have different perspectives on issues.
Therefore
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, if only hiring workers from a certain
age
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 group, will lead to a lack of diverse opinions for debate and decision-making. In conclusion, eliminating
candidates
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 for their
age
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 can bring both merits and downsides to employers.

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task achievement
Make sure to address the task fully by providing a more balanced discussion of both positive and negative aspects of age-based job applicant rejection. Your essay leaned more towards one side.
task achievement
Try to elaborate on your points more thoroughly to provide a clearer and more comprehensive explanation. For instance, give more examples or scenarios illustrating both the benefits and drawbacks.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph transitions smoothly into the next. While your essay had a logical structure, it can be improved with more cohesive linking phrases and sentences.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples where possible to support your points. For example, elaborate on how diverse opinions from different age groups can specifically benefit a company.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which frames the discussion well.
task achievement
You provided a personal example which makes your argument relatable and credible.
task achievement
Your points on the legal risks and benefits of leveraging experience are well noted and relevant to the topic.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • age diversity
  • combat age discrimination
  • job opportunities
  • experienced individuals
  • vast knowledge
  • suboptimal hiring decisions
  • legal compliance
  • reverse discrimination
  • operational costs
  • health insurance
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