IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

it is more important for schoolchildren to learn about local history than world history. to what extent do you agree or disagree?

it is more important for young
students
Use synonyms
 to study
about
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
history
Use synonyms
 of their own
country
Use synonyms
 or the other societies in the
world
Use synonyms
. From my point of view, both of them are essential for those young
students
Use synonyms
. First of all, studying their own
history
Use synonyms
 of your
country
Use synonyms
 or city, for sure it is an indispensable part of the school curriculum for those
students
Use synonyms
. I believe that you can gain
knowledge
Use synonyms
 about what happened in the past about your
country
Use synonyms
 will give
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
you a sense of patriotism
Linking Words
also
Correct word choice
and also
show examples
basics
Change the noun form
basic
show examples
 insight about your own
history
Use synonyms
.
for example
Linking Words
, in
Brazil
Add a comma
Brazil,
show examples
 children
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 primary school will learn about
your
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 own
history
Use synonyms
, like they will know what happened with all
presidents
Correct article usage
the presidents
show examples
 that already
had
Verb problem
lived
show examples
 there, about the most important mark of
politcs
Correct your spelling
politics
 and the independence of Brazil.
Therefore
Linking Words
 those small
students
Use synonyms
 need to have a minimum of
knowledge
Use synonyms
 about your
country
Use synonyms
 for one day can discuss
about
Remove the preposition
apply
show examples
it with anyone.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, have
extense
Correct your spelling
extensive
 expertise about
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
international
world
Use synonyms
history
Use synonyms
 share the importance
to know
Change preposition
of knowing
show examples
 about what happened in other cultures,
has
Wrong verb form
and have
show examples
knowledge
Use synonyms
 about important mark things that happened in
old
Correct article usage
the old
show examples
 days in the
world
Use synonyms
.
For example
Linking Words
, the secondary
students
Use synonyms
 in
brazil
Capitalize word
Brazil
show examples
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
will just have extensive expertise
about
Change preposition
in
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
international
history
Use synonyms
,
such
Linking Words
 as
about
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
first
Correct your spelling
First World War
show examples
world
Use synonyms
 war that
passed
Verb problem
occurred
show examples
 in the continent of Europe. In conclusion,
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
belive
Correct your spelling
believe
show examples
that is
Linking Words
 necessary for those young
students
Use synonyms
have
Fix the infinitive
to have
show examples
 in your grade school
knowledge
Use synonyms
 about both
history
Use synonyms
 either local for a sense of patriotism for small kids and international children older to
has
Wrong verb form
have
show examples
 moreinsiht
that
Correct word choice
than
show examples
 what passed in
history
Use synonyms
. In that
case
Add a comma
case,
show examples
 when the
students
Use synonyms
 graduate they will have extensive expertise about two premises.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
While the essay attempts to tackle the topic, there are numerous language issues that hinder a clear articulation of ideas. In addition, specific examples to illustrate points are minimal and not developed in detail. To improve, make sure to delve deeper into examples and ensure they directly support the argument.
coherence cohesion
The essay shows an attempt at a structured argument but lacks clear connectivity and transitions between ideas. The use of cohesive devices could be improved and paragraphs must have clear central ideas. Improving the logical flow would greatly enhance the quality of the essay.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • heritage
  • cultural identity
  • ancestry
  • traditions
  • globalization
  • empathy
  • contemporary issues
  • integrate
  • perspective
  • civilization
  • diversity
  • innovations
  • historical significance
  • nationalism
  • cosmopolitanism
  • historiography
  • geopolitical
What to do next:
Look at other essays: