IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

it is more important for schoolchildren to learn about local history than world history. to what extent do you agree or disagree?

#schoolchildren #history #world
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it is more important for young
students
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 to study
about
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apply
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the
history
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 of their own
country
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 or the other societies in the
world
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. From my point of view, both of them are essential for those young
students
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. First of all, studying their own
history
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 of your
country
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 or city, for sure it is an indispensable part of the school curriculum for those
students
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. I believe that you can gain
knowledge
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 about what happened in the past about your
country
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 will give
to
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apply
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you a sense of patriotism
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also
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and also
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basics
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basic
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 insight about your own
history
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.
for example
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, in
Brazil
Add a comma
Brazil,
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 children
of
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in
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 primary school will learn about
your
Correct pronoun usage
their
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 own
history
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, like they will know what happened with all
presidents
Correct article usage
the presidents
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 that already
had
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lived
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 there, about the most important mark of
politcs
Correct your spelling
politics
 and the independence of Brazil.
Therefore
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 those small
students
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 need to have a minimum of
knowledge
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 about your
country
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 for one day can discuss
about
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apply
show examples
it with anyone.
On the other hand
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, have
extense
Correct your spelling
extensive
 expertise about
the
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apply
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international
world
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history
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 share the importance
to know
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of knowing
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 about what happened in other cultures,
has
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and have
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knowledge
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 about important mark things that happened in
old
Correct article usage
the old
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 days in the
world
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.
For example
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, the secondary
students
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 in
brazil
Capitalize word
Brazil
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they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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will just have extensive expertise
about
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in
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
international
history
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,
such
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 as
about
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apply
show examples
the
first
Correct your spelling
First World War
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world
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 war that
passed
Verb problem
occurred
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 in the continent of Europe. In conclusion,
i
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I
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belive
Correct your spelling
believe
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that is
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 necessary for those young
students
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have
Fix the infinitive
to have
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 in your grade school
knowledge
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 about both
history
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 either local for a sense of patriotism for small kids and international children older to
has
Wrong verb form
have
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 moreinsiht
that
Correct word choice
than
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 what passed in
history
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. In that
case
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case,
show examples
 when the
students
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 graduate they will have extensive expertise about two premises.
Submitted by ariannynani on

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task achievement
While the essay attempts to tackle the topic, there are numerous language issues that hinder a clear articulation of ideas. In addition, specific examples to illustrate points are minimal and not developed in detail. To improve, make sure to delve deeper into examples and ensure they directly support the argument.
coherence cohesion
The essay shows an attempt at a structured argument but lacks clear connectivity and transitions between ideas. The use of cohesive devices could be improved and paragraphs must have clear central ideas. Improving the logical flow would greatly enhance the quality of the essay.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • heritage
  • cultural identity
  • ancestry
  • traditions
  • globalization
  • empathy
  • contemporary issues
  • integrate
  • perspective
  • civilization
  • diversity
  • innovations
  • historical significance
  • nationalism
  • cosmopolitanism
  • historiography
  • geopolitical
What to do next:
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