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Writing Samples
Band 4

pie chart and table illustrate the various numbers of population in australia

pie chart and table illustrate the various numbers of population in australia
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The pie chart and table report
Australian
Use synonyms
 different
populations
Use synonyms
according to
Linking Words
 various nationalities and areas.
Overall
Linking Words
, the highest population was
Australian
Use synonyms
 followed by others, and the lowest was
Dutch
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
, almost more than or equal to 89% of the
Use synonyms
populations
Fix the agreement mistake
population
show examples
 had the highest density in the city, with the exception of
Use synonyms
Australian
Correct your spelling
Australians
show examples
 and
Dutch
Use synonyms
.
To begin
Linking Words
,
Use synonyms
Australian
Correct your spelling
Australia
show examples
 was the highest nationality at 73% of the
populaiton
Correct your spelling
population
. What is more, other
non-indentified
Correct your spelling
non-identified
 nationalities were the second highest at 14%.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, British, New Zealander, Chinese and
Dutch
Use synonyms
populations
Use synonyms
 were the lowest in Australia, the former two had 7% and 3% each,
while
Linking Words
 the latter two had 2% and 1%, respectively.
However
Linking Words
, the percentage of Chinese and New Zealander
populations
Use synonyms
were
Correct subject-verb agreement
was
show examples
 the highest in the city, the first one at 99% and the second at 90%.
While
Linking Words
 British,
Dutch
Use synonyms
, and
Australian
Use synonyms
 had the lowest distribution in the city, at 89%, 83%, and 80% in the same order, respectively.
Conversely
Linking Words
,
most
Correct article usage
the most
show examples
 populated nationalities of the countryside were
Australian
Use synonyms
 at 20% and
Dutch
Use synonyms
 at 17% compared to only 11% for British.
While
Linking Words
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 the lowest population density of countryside residents
were
Correct subject-verb agreement
was
show examples
 for New
Zealander
Fix the agreement mistake
Zealanders
show examples
 at 10% and Chinese at 1%.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "however, while".
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Introduction: The introduction is missing.
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Introduction: Change the first sentence in the introduction.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Basic structure: Change the second paragraph.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words australian, populations, dutch with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Only 5 basic words for charts were used.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
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