IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

An increasing number of children are overweight, which could result in many problems when they grow older, both in terms of their health and healthcare costs. Why do you think so many children are overweight? What could be done to solve this problem?

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Nowadays, obesity is increasing in
children
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 at an alarming rate.
Thus
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, many
children
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 are experiencing health issues and
due to
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 the high demand for healthcare services, the cost of it is exponentially rising. In the section underneath,
this
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 essay shall propagate the cause and the solutions to
this
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 problem. It’s a shame that the majority of the youth isn’t in good shape. There is a plethora of reasons for the
children
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’s being obese. First and foremost,
due to
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 the wide variety of ready-made meals available in the market, many people avoid spending a lot of time cooking meals for themselves. For
an
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apply
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instance, Domino's is a rapid chain that heavily promotes its products to youngsters.
Secondly
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, Fatty
food
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 is another factor.
Children
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 are eating less healthy
food
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 because of the fat and fructose sweets are accessible.
Furthermore
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, nowadays, kids prefer to spend their time playing PC games rather than choosing physical activities or sports
such
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 as
playing
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football, basketball etc. To counteract obesity, physical activities should be promoted. Parents and schools should encourage their kids to participate in outdoor games and sports. School is the first place where kids learn, and school should educate
children
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 to choose a healthy
food
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 option and
also
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 explain how important is to consume healthy
food
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 options to keep themselves fit.
To conclude
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, health is the biggest wealth, and our youth is the future of society. They must keep their body fit by consuming healthy
food
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 options and involving themselves in physical activities.

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Coherence & Cohesion
In terms of coherence and cohesion, your essay demonstrated a clear organizational pattern, but the transitions between ideas could be smoother to enhance readability. Aim to develop logical connectors and use a wider range of cohesive devices to create a more compelling argumentative flow.
Task Achievement
As for task achievement, while you covered the topic, the development of your ideas is somewhat superficial. Be sure to fully develop your arguments with detailed examples and deeper analysis. Address each aspect of the prompt thoroughly to ensure a complete response to the question.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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