Some people think that increasing business and cultural contacts worldwide have positive influences on development; others think that they have negative effects on national identities. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.
A group of people believe that the power of connection globally in both business and cultural prospects has advantages for countries’ improvement.
While
another group of people are against that idea. This
essay explains the positive and negative impacts for the nationalities and also
shows my strongly agree point of view.
In the hyper-connected world, businessmen and all population
in any occupation sectors need to communicate with clients, suppliers, and Correct article usage
the population
also
accompanies in many countries around the globe. Having more relationships to
others can open up Change preposition
with
the
new opportunities which Correct article usage
apply
lead
to gaining higher revenues in some cases. Correct subject-verb agreement
leads
In particular
, for the import-export industry, the international links are significantly important. Contacting to
various suppliers Change preposition
apply
makes
Verb problem
gives
the
businessmen Correct article usage
apply
have
stronger Unnecessary verb
apply
negotiate
power and they are likely to receive good quality products with lower costs; Change the form of the verb
negotiating
then
, they can get higher margins and profits from selling. Additionally
, they can be the powerful market leaders from lower prices competition. As a result
, these successful businesses bring positive influences on national development.
On the other hand
, some people think that there are several drawbacks from
the worldwide Change preposition
to
contacts
. They are quite conservative and hard to accept Fix the agreement mistake
contact
the
modern ideas. Other than that, they believe that Correct article usage
apply
interfering
from foreigners brings the loss of national identities Replace the word
interference
especially
cultural Add the comma(s)
, especially
prospect
. Different beliefs and ethnics from other countries can change people’s way of thinking which Fix the agreement mistake
prospects
direct
to the merging of original Verb problem
leads
nationality
cultures. Replace the word
national
For instance
, the K-Pop identity is changing the styles of music in many countries worldwide. Nowadays, the young generation in Thailand does not know about folk song
or country music anymore.
In conclusion, from my point of view, I totally agree that Fix the agreement mistake
songs
the
human connection is the key to personal and career success. For the bigger picture, it Correct article usage
apply
also
has a great benefit for the overall
country
development and economy.Change noun form
country's
Submitted by sasi.jariyasirikul on
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introduction
Your essay introduces the topic and presents a final opinion, which is good. However, the introduction could better paraphrase the task and offer a clearer outline of the topics to be discussed.
logical structure
You have structured the main body into two paragraphs, one for each view, which shows an attempt at a logical structure. However, the transition between ideas within paragraphs could be smoother, and the essay would benefit from clearer topic sentences that state the main idea more precisely.
conclusion
The conclusion is concise and reaffirms your stance. It's beneficial to summarize the key points from both views before stating your opinion to create a more rounded conclusion.
complete response
You’ve addressed both views which is a requirement of the task. Nonetheless, expanding on each view with more in-depth analysis and adding additional supporting details could enhance the response. It’s also important to directly address the task and ensure all parts have been answered.
clear comprehensive ideas
Your essay presents clear ideas but they could be developed more comprehensively. Strive for a deeper exploration of each point and ensure that your examples are directly related to the impacts on development and national identity.
relevant specific examples
You included some examples to support your points, such as the impact of K-Pop on Thai music culture, but more specific and relevant examples would strengthen your arguments. Examples should be clearly linked to the point being made and should illustrate the connection to national development or identity.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.
‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.
Examples:
I really want to study but I’m too tired.
I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.
If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.