IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think that increasing business and cultural contacts worldwide have positive influences on development; others think that they have negative effects on national identities. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

A group of people believe that the power of connection globally in both business and cultural prospects has advantages for countries’ improvement.
While
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 another group of people are against that idea.
This
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 essay explains the positive and negative impacts for the nationalities and
also
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 shows my strongly agree point of view. In the hyper-connected world, businessmen and all
population
Correct article usage
the population
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 in any occupation sectors need to communicate with clients, suppliers, and
also
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 accompanies in many countries around the globe. Having more relationships
to
Change preposition
with
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 others can open up
the
Correct article usage
apply
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new opportunities which
lead
Correct subject-verb agreement
leads
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 to gaining higher revenues in some cases.
In particular
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, for the import-export industry, the international links are significantly important. Contacting
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
various suppliers
makes
Verb problem
gives
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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businessmen
have
Unnecessary verb
apply
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stronger
negotiate
Change the form of the verb
negotiating
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 power and they are likely to receive good quality products with lower costs;
then
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, they can get higher margins and profits from selling.
Additionally
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, they can be the powerful market leaders from lower prices competition.
As a result
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, these successful businesses bring positive influences on national development.
On the other hand
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, some people think that there are several drawbacks
from
Change preposition
to
show examples
 the worldwide
contacts
Fix the agreement mistake
contact
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. They are quite conservative and hard to accept
the
Correct article usage
apply
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modern ideas. Other than that, they believe that
interfering
Replace the word
interference
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 from foreigners brings the loss of national identities
especially
Add the comma(s)
, especially
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 cultural
prospect
Fix the agreement mistake
prospects
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. Different beliefs and ethnics from other countries can change people’s way of thinking which
direct
Verb problem
leads
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 to the merging of original
nationality
Replace the word
national
show examples
 cultures.
For instance
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, the K-Pop identity is changing the styles of music in many countries worldwide. Nowadays, the young generation in Thailand does not know about folk
song
Fix the agreement mistake
songs
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 or country music anymore. In conclusion, from my point of view, I totally agree that
the
Correct article usage
apply
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human connection is the key to personal and career success. For the bigger picture, it
also
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 has a great benefit for the
overall
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country
Change noun form
country's
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 development and economy.

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introduction
Your essay introduces the topic and presents a final opinion, which is good. However, the introduction could better paraphrase the task and offer a clearer outline of the topics to be discussed.
logical structure
You have structured the main body into two paragraphs, one for each view, which shows an attempt at a logical structure. However, the transition between ideas within paragraphs could be smoother, and the essay would benefit from clearer topic sentences that state the main idea more precisely.
conclusion
The conclusion is concise and reaffirms your stance. It's beneficial to summarize the key points from both views before stating your opinion to create a more rounded conclusion.
complete response
You’ve addressed both views which is a requirement of the task. Nonetheless, expanding on each view with more in-depth analysis and adding additional supporting details could enhance the response. It’s also important to directly address the task and ensure all parts have been answered.
clear comprehensive ideas
Your essay presents clear ideas but they could be developed more comprehensively. Strive for a deeper exploration of each point and ensure that your examples are directly related to the impacts on development and national identity.
relevant specific examples
You included some examples to support your points, such as the impact of K-Pop on Thai music culture, but more specific and relevant examples would strengthen your arguments. Examples should be clearly linked to the point being made and should illustrate the connection to national development or identity.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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