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Band 7.5

Some people think that getting old is a negative thing, whereas others think it is much easier for people to live in modern society. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#people #society
Thanks to the development of technology and medical fields, people nowadays have an easier
life
 than in the past.
Although
 some people harbour a belief that getting old is a negative thing, the improvements in
life
 have weakened some individuals’ anxiety about age as they think it is easy to live. From my perspective, I am inclined to stand with the opinion that ageing is not a positive process no matter how society develops. 
Initially
, one of the main arguments in favour of an optimistic attitude towards ageing is that individuals have sufficient resources to maintain healthy lifestyles.
Due to
 technical and medical progress, individuals in modern society are prone to be well looked after. Especially the older generations who require more care than the young ones, are able to live in relatively safer and healthier environments than before.
Besides
 abundant support, the emphasis on body fitness and balanced diets have significantly extended
life
 expectancy and enhanced general health to a certain degree.
According to
 the aforementioned, it seems the demerits of getting old are somehow alleviated in modern
life
. At the other end of the spectrum, ageing will contribute to personal and social burdens. For the sake of social well-being, governmental support in ageing nursing will definitely affect the expenditure and resources in other aspects because they are limited.
In addition
, it can be torture to "save" those elderly who will spend the rest of their lives in bed.
Not to mention
, the family members who are primarily responsible for taking care of those patients.
Therefore
, getting old is a vicious process
which
Change preposition
in which
show examples
 individuals can only experience the weakness of their bodies and increase the public burdens.
To sum up
, despite the fact that it is easy to live in
such
 a highly developing society, the disadvantages of ageing cannot be denied. As no one can escape from the cruel circle, what humans can do is live in present and cherish the surroundings.Carpe diem!
Submitted by s99104032 on

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Coherence and Cohesion
Consider diversifying your sentence structures to add complexity and interest to your writing. This can make your arguments more compelling.
Task Achievement
To enhance task achievement, integrate more specific examples and evidence to fully support your points. This helps to substantiate your arguments and make them more persuasive.
Introduction and Conclusion
You've effectively introduced and concluded your essay, presenting a clear standpoint which meets the requirements of the task. Well done!
Logical Structure
The logical flow of ideas from one paragraph to the next is well managed, making your essay coherent and easy to follow.
Complete Response
Your discussion covers both views as requested by the prompt, demonstrating a good understanding of the task.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
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  • Psychological stability
  • Social maturity
  • Economic benefits
  • Shared responsibilities
  • Ancestral customs
  • Cultural imperatives
  • Personal development
  • Career establishment
  • Societal norms
  • Lifestyle choices
  • Divorce rates
  • Life decisions
  • Subjective wellbeing
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