IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

In today's world many people own a smartphone. Do you think he advantages of owning a smartphone outweigh the disadvantages?

#world #people #smartphone
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
A common trend occurring frequently around the globe in all facets of society is everyone all have their private
smartphone
.
While
 the immediate sway towards owning one would be
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
convenience, the inevitable drawbacks of
time
 and poor health greatly outweigh the upside. One of the focal disadvantages of owning a phone
would be
Wrong verb form
is
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
health related
Add a hyphen
health-related
show examples
 issues. Those who
cannot
Verb problem
do not
show examples
 have an ability to control themselves can overly spend
time
 using
smartphone
Fix the agreement mistake
smartphones
show examples
 which tend to forget about taking care of their body, both physically and mentally. On the physical side, if
people
 cannot manage their
time
 to use
Add an article
the phone
a phone
show examples
phone
Fix the agreement mistake
phones
show examples
, it will lead to sleep problems, reduced physical fitness, unhealthy eating habits, pain and migraines, reduced cognitive control and changes in the brain's
gray
Change the spelling
grey
show examples
 matter volume.
Likewise
,
people
's mental strength can be noticeably affected as well from difficulties in cognitive-emotion regulation, impulsivity, impaired cognitive function, addiction to social networking, shyness and low self-esteem. Another negative aspect of owning a
smartphone
 would be the distance it bridges between family
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 or even friends.
In other words
,
if
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
on some
occasion
Fix the agreement mistake
occasions
show examples
,
people
 just hold their phones
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 hand which
allowing
Wrong verb form
allows
show examples
 little to no
time
 and connection with different
people
.
This
 scenario can be witnessed everywhere, with children growing up to adults.
However
, in some cases,
smartphone
Fix the agreement mistake
smartphones
show examples
 can increase productivity and efficiency in communication, connect everybody from all over the world together and
build
Verb problem
apply
show examples
strengthen the way
people
 from far
distance
Fix the agreement mistake
distances
show examples
 interact with each other. In conclusion, despite the benefits
from
Change preposition
of
show examples
 convenience or
connect
Wrong verb form
connecting
show examples
 easily, the drawbacks of possessing a
smartphone
 can
be
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
greatly impact one's personal life if not managed well, from health to
relationship
Fix the agreement mistake
relationships
show examples
 in society.
Submitted by [email protected] on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Ensure your essay has a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. While your logical structure is mostly consistent, think about using your introduction to accurately paraphrase the question and clearly state your position.
task achievement
Your essay's main points should be well-developed and expanded upon with specific examples. This essay could benefit from a more balanced discussion of both advantages and disadvantages, with relevant examples to support your ideas.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • instant access
  • real-time updates
  • portable offices
  • emergency services
  • social media
  • navigation
  • cybersecurity
  • screen time
  • digital detox
  • environmental footprint
What to do next:
Look at other essays: