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Band 4.5

Some people believe that the experiences children have before they go to school will have the greatest effect on their future life. Others argue that experiences gained when they are teenagers have a bigger influence. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#people #experiences #children #school #effect #future #life #teenagers #influence
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While
 some individuals claim that
life
 until the
age
 of 7 years old influences people most of all, others,
however
, believe that the school years are the most influential period of
life
, which brings a significant effect, which I firmly agree with. On the one hand, the early period of
life
 is quite important in terms of individual shaping.
Firstly
, self-estimation, which determines
such
 things as self-confidence can be formed only at a young
age
.
The stable
Correct article usage
Stable
show examples
 self-confidence helps to take complicated acts and lead them to the end.
Therefore
, self-confidence is closely correlated with
life
 success.
As a result
, psychological stability and trust in the world grow at a young
age
 as well.
Secondly
, the model of family relationships can be discovered at an early
age
.
This
 model child carries through the whole
life
 and personal happiness will be determined by
this
 child's experience. Despite the importance of childhood experience, I see that the
youthful
Replace the word
youth
show examples
 is a more important period of
life
.
Firstly
, at the adolescent
age
 person learns how to make decisions.
Moreover
, every action has consequences, which is why
Correct article usage
the juvenal
show examples
juvenal
Correct your spelling
juvenile
show examples
 uses to take personal responsibility for maiden decisions.
In other words
, teenager prepares to cope with difficulties in an adult
life
.
Secondly
,
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
this
age
Add a comma
,
show examples
people learn useful skills which build the basement for their future professional lives.
For example
, if the correct decision wasn't made exactly at
this
age
, a person would never be able to be a doctor or a good programmer.
That is
 why the
age
 from 12 to 18 has the greatest impact in terms of personal destiny.
To sum up
,
while
 some people insist that there is nothing more important than childhood in a perspective of influence on a future
life
,
it is clear that
 the most significant things in terms of
life
 impact,
such
 as personal responsibility, decision making and skills-training can be obtained only in adolescence.
Submitted by tarasovnn on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that the introduction and conclusion are clear and summarise the essay adequately. The introductory paragraph should provide a clearer framework for the discussion.
coherence cohesion
Improve logical structuring by providing clearer topic sentences and more cohesive devices to better link ideas and paragraphs.
coherence cohesion
Main points need more development with relevant examples and explanations to better support the arguments presented.
task achievement
Address the task directly, ensuring all parts of the prompt are responded to comprehensively. Reflect directly on both viewpoints before presenting your opinion.
task achievement
Ideas should be expanded further for clarity and depth. Strive to demonstrate a comprehensive understanding of the topic with detailed examples.
task achievement
Include more specific examples to validate arguments. Vague statements should be avoided; prefer concrete evidence that clearly supports the points made.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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