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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The charts below give information about children under 18learjing musical instruments in one region of the UK in 1996 and 2016.

The charts below give information about children under 18learjing musical instruments in one region of the UK in 1996 and 2016.
#information #children #instruments #region #uk
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The pie chart given compares
between
Change preposition
apply
show examples
children who learned musical
instrument
Fix the agreement mistake
instruments
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 and
who
Correct determiner usage
those who
show examples
 did not,
while
Linking Words
 the bar chart elaborates
which
Change preposition
on which
show examples
 instrument they played. Both of the data are in the year 1996 and 2016. The thing that pops up the most is how musical
player
Fix the agreement mistake
players
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 were much
dominating
Correct quantifier usage
more dominating
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 in 2016
to compare
Change the verb form
compared
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 with the previous year where it was only 44% of the
populations
Fix the agreement mistake
population
show examples
. More than that, the number in 2016 was
also
Linking Words
 more diverse where there was almost
threefold
Correct article usage
a threefold
show examples
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
difference when the ones who never learned
instrument
Correct article usage
an instrument
show examples
 was only 24%.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, the pie in 1996 showed the total of individuals almost equal
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 choosing
wether
Correct your spelling
whether
show examples
 they learn music or not where there was only
12
Correct article usage
a 12
show examples
%
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
difference between each
numbers
Change to a singular noun
number
show examples
. The chart examines children's preference
Change preposition
for
show examples
on
Change preposition
for
show examples
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
music instrumental on both years. Based on the data, there was a contrast in 1996 where the children chose to play
piano
Change the article
the piano
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 rather than a keyboard like
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
most of the population in 2016.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, there was
also
Linking Words
similarity
Correct article usage
a similarity
show examples
 where in
the
Remove the article
apply
show examples
both years approximately 10 people loved to play more than one
music
Replace the word
musical
show examples
instruments
Fix the agreement mistake
instrument
show examples
. More than that, it is
also
Linking Words
 known that there were still some child
musician
Fix the agreement mistake
musicians
show examples
 who played other tools that were not mentioned in the data.
Submitted by writingielts0 on

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "also".
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "give" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "chart" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "compares" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "data" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "difference" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "almost" was used 2 times.
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