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Writing Samples /
Band 4

Many manufactured food and drink products contain high level of sugat, which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

#food #drink #products #level #sugat #health #people #sugar
Today high levels of sugar are contained in many sources of
food
, especially in manufactured
food
, and of course, eating so much is not good for our health; it can cause just a simple cavy,
for example
, but
also
 worse problems, like the increasing level of sugar in
blood
Add an article
the blood
show examples
. Some
people
 suggest that sugary products should be more expensive, so
people
 would buy less
them
Change preposition
of them
show examples
.
According to
 me, I think that
this
 solution is not the best one as sugary products include some types of
food
 that we eat
everyday
Replace the word
every day
show examples
,
such
 as bread or pasta.
This
Correct determiner usage
These
show examples
 foods, particularly the first one, are really important in our diet, so
make
Wrong verb form
making
show examples
 them more expensive will influence not only our lifestyle, but
also
 some wouldn't be able anymore to buy the most important
food
 for them. Just think
for example
 to poor
people
, who can maybe afford a few loads of bread per day: what would they eat if we increased
bread
Correct article usage
the bread
show examples
 price? I think that the best solution
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
this
 problem would be informing
people
 about what they eat
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 because sometimes we don't even know that. They have already done something to inform
people
 about the characteristics of
food
 of course, and
lebels
Correct your spelling
labels
levels
 are one of the most important
thing
Change to a plural noun
things
show examples
 as they tell you all the ingredients of a particular
food
. Yet, not many
people
 spend some of their time reading
lebels
Correct your spelling
labels
levels
 or if they do
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
, they probably don't know the biggest part of the substances named in the list as well
not
Add the comma(s)
, not
show examples
 everybody knows that there is a specific order of the ingredients in the list. So something we could do is
organizing
Wrong verb form
organise
show examples
 some ''talks'' to inform
people
 not only about the function of
lebels
Correct your spelling
labels
levels
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 but especially about the
big
Correct word choice
large
show examples
amont
Correct your spelling
amount
 of sugar we eat
everyday
Replace the word
every day
show examples
. I think as well that
this
takes
Verb problem
apply
show examples
should be organized
also
 in schools, because
also
Rephrase
apply
show examples
children must be aware of what they eat;
beside
Replace the word
besides
show examples
, children can tell what they have learned
by
Change preposition
through
show examples
 these ''conferences''
at
Change preposition
to
show examples
 their parents, so the whole family would eat better. To sum it up, I think that it is not necessary to increase the price of sugary
food
 and that all we need is information, that will lead
people
 to eat less sugary
food
 and,
as a consequence
, live better with
less
Change the quantifier
fewer
show examples
 problems.
Submitted by nuresadikchowdhury175 on

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task achievement
Your essay shows some understanding of the task, but the response is limited in scope and fails to fully develop an argument. A higher score requires that you address all parts of the task effectively, present a well-developed position, and offer a complete answer to the question posed.
coherence cohesion
Your essay lacks clear progression of ideas and logical sequencing. To improve, use a range of cohesive devices appropriately, clarify the relationship between ideas, and ensure paragraphs have clear central topics that are developed coherently.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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