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Writing Samples
Band 5

in today's world, many people own a smartphone. do you think the advantages of owning the smartphone outweight the disavantages

#world #people #smartphone #outweight #disavantages
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in today's digital age, many individuals in over the world have their own
smartphones
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. In my opinion,
smartphones
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 have a lot of advantages and disadvantages too. It helps
people
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's lives become convenient and it helps us easily communicate with family. And it is very bad for offspring to
use
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. The reason I will tell it in
this
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 essay. First of all,
smartphones
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 are very easy to
use
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 and they help us find information in there because they help us access the internet. It is very small so it is easy to take up anywhere. It has a lot of apps to help the population relax after work or study. So it helps our life become more convenient and easy.
Secondly
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, it helps us contact our family easily and fast because it's very small so you can put it in your pocket and bring it everywhere you like.
Moreover
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, it uses a touch screen so you just need touch to the screen you can call your parents or your family more easily and quickly. It has the best thing is the memories so it helps
people
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 who don't remember someone's number easily to call them. So it is a good thing to
use
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 to keep in touch with somebody.
In contrast
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, smartphone has a big negative effect on
children
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 because they give off blue light which is very bad for
children
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's eyes and adults too.
Smartphones
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 make
children
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's brains apply stupid offspring because
smartphones
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 have an area of videos by adults but it is very stupid so
children
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 can learn and copy.So we won't give your smartphone to
children
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 to watch. You need to wait until they think they can get it and
use
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 it. In conclusion,
smartphones
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 are very helpful for
people
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's lives and it has a lot of benefits to help
people
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 live more conveniently. In my opinion, the smartphone is the best thing humans have invented.
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coherence cohesion
The essay lacks a clear logical structure, which impacts the readability and flow of your arguments. To enhance coherence, organize your paragraphs with a clear topic sentence followed by supporting sentences and a concluding sentence.
coherence cohesion
You have provided an introduction and conclusion, but they are not fully effective in presenting the topic and summarizing your arguments. Work on crafting a stronger thesis statement and a more summarizing conclusion that reinforces your main points.
coherence cohesion
The essay has some main points with basic support, but the support could be more developed and detailed. Try to include stronger examples and explanations to back up your claims.
task achievement
Your response addresses the task, but it is not fully complete. Make sure to answer all parts of the question and develop your viewpoints more fully. Acknowledge both advantages and disadvantages of owning a smartphone more evenly.
task achievement
The ideas presented in the essay need to be expressed more clearly and more comprehensively. Work on providing in-depth explanations and clearer connections between your ideas.
task achievement
The use of specific examples is limited and could be improved. Examples should be relevant and effectively illustrate your points. Add more concrete and diverse examples to substantiate your arguments.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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