IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 2

Some people believe that violent films are bad for you and encourage people to be violent. Others argue that violence and films are unrelated because violence existed before films. Which of these opinions do you agree with, and to what extent do you agree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge and experience. Write at least 2 50 words.

#people #films #violence
Nowadays, some individuals share the view that violent
films
give
Verb problem
have
show examples
 an adverse effect on
people
 and encourage them to be violent.
While
, others believe that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
violent
films
 cannot affect
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
humans, because
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
violence existed before
films
. I completely agree with
statement
Add an article
the statement
show examples
 that violent movies are harmful for
people
, especially for children.
The violent
Correct article usage
Violent
show examples
films
 negatively affect
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
children. Youngsters can not think in
right
Add an article
the right
show examples
 way, because they repeat what they saw.
For example
, in our advanced world where
people
addicted
Add a missing verb
are addicted
show examples
from
Change preposition
to
show examples
 their electronic devices as
phone
Fix the agreement mistake
phones
show examples
, they enjoy watching
films
 with
they are family
Replace the word
their families
show examples
. And
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
violent
movie
Fix the agreement mistake
movies
show examples
 with fighting actors, a lot of blood, negatively affect
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
people
,
in particular
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
children's mental. Violent movies are really unacceptable. Some
people
 after viewing violent
movie
Fix the agreement mistake
movies
show examples
 can
desired
Change the verb form
desire
be desired
show examples
 to repeat what they
were seen
Wrong verb form
saw
show examples
. In conclusion,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
violent
films
 affect on
human's
Change noun form
human
show examples
 brain
thats
Correct your spelling
that's
that
 why
people
 should
be ensure
Change the verb form
ensure
show examples
 that
film
Fix the agreement mistake
films
show examples
 will not be bad for their mental health.
Submitted by ronadeclaro on

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Introduction & Conclusion
The introduction lacks a clear and concise opinion statement. Avoid broad, sweeping statements such as 'I completely agree with statement that violent movies are harmful for people, especially for children.' Instead, specify the reasons you agree, setting a clear context for the essay.
Coherence & Cohesion
Ensure that your essay has a logical flow of ideas. The current structure presents assertions without clear transitions or logical sequencing. Use connecting phrases to link your ideas logically.
Task Achievement
Include more developed and specific examples. The example provided about children imitating violence is too vague. Illustrate your point with a detailed anecdote or cite researched studies that support your argument.
Grammar & Lexical Resource
Check for grammatical accuracy and sentence complexity. The essay contains several grammatical errors and oversimplified sentence structures which affect the clarity of your ideas. Work on varying your sentence structures and improving your grammar to enhance the readability of your essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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