in many countries, number of older people are increase. some people says that this will cause more problems to that countries. others say that older people can play a role in society. discuss both views and give your opinion.
Nowadays the world population are increasing every second
although
in many countries
is not. Some countries
has
old Change the verb form
have
people
are
much more than young Correct pronoun usage
who are
people
. Actually, old
Correct article usage
the old
people
population looks better than young people
however
it is not.
This
century need
Change the verb form
needs
a
young Correct article usage
apply
people
because countries
look for young people
to work. If young people
muchmore
than old Correct your spelling
much more
people
, they can increasing
the economy. Old Wrong verb form
increase
people
has
a good Change the verb form
have
exprience
Correct your spelling
experience
however
, when they retired
Wrong verb form
retire
countries
must to
pay Fix the infinitive
apply
salary
. Correct article usage
a salary
Moreover
retired are burden
for Add an article
a burden
countries
.
Developed countries
needs
Change the verb form
need
muchmore
young Correct your spelling
much more
people
because in the future they will need young people
. In my opinion, if older people
are increase
, that will cause more problems for Change the verb form
are increasing
countries
. When countries
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
has
a lot of retired, Correct subject-verb agreement
have
thats
why so Correct your spelling
that's
Correct quantifier usage
many
much
retired Fix the agreement mistake
many
Fix the agreement mistake
payments
payment
.Fix the agreement mistake
payments
Submitted by kagancihan9 on
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Introduction/Conclusion
The essay lacks a clear introduction and conclusion, which are essential for establishing the context and summarizing the main points. Make sure to include these in your essay structure.
Main Points Support
Your main points require more development and support. Each argument should be explained in detail and supported by specific examples or evidence. Aim to expand on your ideas for greater clarity and impact.
Logical Structure
The essay does not consistently follow a logical structure, which makes it difficult to follow your arguments. Use clear topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph and make sure each sentence supports the main idea of the paragraph.
Task Completion
Regarding task achievement, the essay doesn't fully address the prompt. You must discuss both views mentioned in the question before giving your own opinion. Ensure you cover all parts of the task.
Clarity of Ideas
Strive for clarity in expressing your ideas. Some sentences are confusing or incomplete, which hinders the reader's understanding. Use clear, simple language and well-formed sentences.
Specific Examples
Although it is good to include examples to support your points, the ones provided are too general and not directly relevant to the arguments made. Use more specific and direct examples to strengthen your arguments.
Fully explain your ideas
To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).
For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:
- Paragraph 1 - Introduction
- Sentence 1 - Background statement
- Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
- Sentence 3 - Thesis
- Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
- Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
- Sentence 1 - Summary
- Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
- Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation
Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.