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Band 5.5

The world today is a safer place than it was a hundred years ago, and governments should stop spending large amounts of money on their armed forces. To what extend do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#world #place #years #governments #amounts #money #forces
Plenty of individuals argue whether the modern world is more harmless than it was a century ago and whether
is
Correct pronoun usage
there is
show examples
 a need for authorities to invest most of the budget in the military. I completely disagree with that because the level of criminality has risen significantly in recent years.
For example
, the development of artificial intelligence has increased cybercrimes and numerous crimes have been committed against
women
. First of all, the enhancement of technologies provides an unsafe environment for humanity on the internet.
Hence
, the activity of artificial intelligence can steal sensitive data, and hackers around the world can access anyone's private data using only a laptop at home.
Furthermore
, the rapid spread of misinformation or disinformation through different digital platforms,
such
 as Instagram and TikTok, can create confusion and undermine trust, contributing to a sense of insecurity.
Secondly
, nowadays, there is an increase
of
Change preposition
in
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 the atrocity towards
women
 in almost every country.
Moreover
, gender inequality is still a hotly debated question, and cases of
women
 experiencing abduction or kidnapping continue to grow.
For instance
, the situation of Bishimbayev, who is the ex-minister of economics in Kazakhstan, was convicted
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
 slaughtering a woman.
Thus
, a great number of
women
 undergo harassment from men, and the situation with the ex-minister is only one occasion; there are still many other cases that have not been addressed or legitimately revealed. All things considered, some people assume that
index
Correct article usage
the index
show examples
 of crime is lower than it was one hundred years ago and that it is not necessary to allocate most of the budget to the armed forces.
However
, there is still a large number of crimes against
women
,
due to
 the low
awarness
Correct your spelling
awareness
 of gender equality and cyberattacks play a crucial role in providing an insecure life.
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Introduction and Conclusion
Try to clearly introduce your main argument in the introduction and restate it in the conclusion for a stronger impact.
Task Response
Make sure to address the topic directly and stay on point; ensure that all parts of the question are answered comprehensively.
Coherence and Cohesion
Use a wider range of linking words and phrases to connect ideas more smoothly.
Language
Incorporate a variety of sentence structures to enhance the quality of your writing.
Examples
You provided specific examples to support your arguments, which strengthens your essay.
Structure
Your essay structure is logical, with a clear division between paragraphs.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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