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Writing Samples /
Band 5

Is teaching people over 65 to use computers the best way to spend government money? To what extent do you agree?

#people #computers #government #money
It is widely thought that providing
government
 funds to use computers for elderly residents is the best way to teach them. I completely disagree with
this
 argument and think that the national
budget
 should be allocated to important and urgent matters and improvements in
children
's
education
.
Firstly
, I believe that there are a number of frontline requirements that should be funded by the national
budget
 rather than funds for over 65
group's
Change noun form
group
show examples
education
.
In other words
, the
government
 could invest a huge amount of money
for
Change preposition
in
show examples
 fundamental and urgent issues
such
 as health,
education
, infrastructure and environmental needs.
In addition
 to that, drain off of the national
budget
 for un urgent needs residents will receive poor health care,
education
 and services. As an example, in Venezuela, the
government
 spent more funds on
old ages
Correct your spelling
old-age
show examples
 leisure activities which was not estimated and because of that the
government
 was unable to provide essential services for citizens.
Thus
, the authorities should focus on the most urgent aspects
than
Rephrase
rather than
show examples
 unimportant events .
Secondly
, the national allocations should be expenses for the development of the educational system for
children
.
Moreover
,
children
's
education
 is the backbone of the country because they are equipped with good skills and knowledge that will contribute to the development of different aspects.
Also
, if older people learn computer skills they are capable of
do
Change the verb form
doing
show examples
 limited tasks
due to
this
 age prevents them from comprehensive learning
as well as
preferred
Wrong verb form
prefer
show examples
to be
Verb problem
apply
show examples
relaxed personalities.
For instance
, an
eldery
Correct your spelling
elderly
 person who learned
computer
Correct article usage
a computer
show examples
 can do simple things
such
 as send an email, book an appointment with a doctor or read the news on the internet.
Hence
, a better thing is
contribute
Change the verb form
to contribute
contributing
show examples
 to
children
's educational enhancements
instead
 of older ages'
education
 free of charge. In conclusion, I strongly believe that the national
budget
 should spent on the most urgent needs and the development of
children
's
education
.
Submitted by ranasinghenadeeshani07 on

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task achievement
Clearly state your main points and ensure each paragraph elaborates on these points with adequate support and examples. Avoid general statements.
coherence cohesion
Work on the logical flow of ideas, using cohesive devices effectively to improve the readability of your essay.
task achievement
Provide more relevant and specific examples to support your arguments, adding depth and clarity to your reasoning.
coherence cohesion
Review the use of punctuation and sentence structures to enhance the clarity of your writing.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Cognitive function
  • Digital divide
  • Lifelong learning
  • Cognitive decline
  • Digital inclusion
  • Autonomy
  • Reliance
  • Healthcare allocation
  • Elderly empowerment
  • Budget constraints
  • Intergenerational connections
  • Social connectivity
  • Online services
  • Technological literacy
  • Cost-effectiveness
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