IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Many manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar, which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar.

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The assertion that making sugary
products
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 more expensive is the solution to mitigating
health
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 problems associated with high
sugar
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 consumption warrants careful consideration.
While
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 it is undeniable that excessive
sugar
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 intake contributes to various
health
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 issues, imposing higher prices on sugary
products
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 may not be the most effective or equitable
approach
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.
This
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 essay explores the reasons to disagree with the notion of making sugary
products
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 more expensive and proposes alternative strategies to promote healthier dietary
choices
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.
Firstly
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, the argument for increasing the cost of sugary
products
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 assumes that
consumers
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 have complete control over their purchasing decisions. In reality, socio-economic factors play a significant role in shaping dietary
choices
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. Making sugary
products
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 more expensive could disproportionately affect lower-income individuals, potentially exacerbating existing
health
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 disparities.
This
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 regressive impact raises ethical concerns about the fairness of
such
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 a measure.
Moreover
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, a
sugar
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 tax may not address the root causes of excessive
sugar
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 consumption. Rather than relying solely on financial disincentives, a more comprehensive
approach
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 involves promoting nutritional education and fostering a greater understanding of the
health
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 implications of excessive
sugar
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 intake. By empowering individuals with knowledge, they can make informed
choices
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 about their diets, leading to healthier habits without resorting to punitive measures.
Furthermore
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, there is a risk that a
sugar
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 tax might inadvertently lead to the substitution of sugary
products
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 with other, potentially unhealthy alternatives. In an effort to avoid higher prices,
consumers
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 might turn to cheaper but equally unhealthy options, defeating the purpose of the tax and contributing to the persistence of
health
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 issues related to poor dietary
choices
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. A more effective strategy involves collaboration between the government, food industry, and healthcare providers to implement comprehensive public
health
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 initiatives. These initiatives can include promoting healthier product formulations, improving nutritional
labeling
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labelling
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, and investing in educational campaigns to raise awareness about the importance of balanced diets. By fostering a holistic
approach
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 that addresses both supply and demand factors, the focus shifts from penalizing
consumers
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 to creating an environment conducive to healthier
choices
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. In conclusion,
while
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 the
health
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 problems associated with high
sugar
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 consumption are undeniable, making sugary
products
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 more expensive is not the ideal solution.
This
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approach
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 risks disproportionately affecting vulnerable populations, may not address the root causes of unhealthy dietary
choices
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, and could lead to unintended consequences. A more effective strategy involves a multifaceted
approach
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 that combines nutritional education, industry collaboration, and public
health
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 initiatives to encourage healthier lifestyles without imposing financial burdens on
consumers
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.

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that your essay has a clear and logical structure, with distinct paragraphs that each address a single main point. Consider using a more transparent progression of ideas throughout the essay to guide the reader clearly from one point to the next.
coherence cohesion
Include a clear introduction and conclusion in the essay to frame your arguments effectively. Your conclusion should reiterate the main points discussed in the essay and provide a final perspective on the issue.
coherence cohesion
When supporting main points, use more specific and detailed examples to illustrate your arguments. This can enhance the persuasive power of your essay and demonstrate a higher level of understanding of the topic.
task achievement
Ensure that the essay fully addresses all parts of the task. Expand your response to cover all aspects of the prompt, including potential counterarguments and a more balanced view where necessary.
task achievement
Articulate your ideas clearly and comprehensively. Work on developing each point with sufficient detail and depth of analysis to provide a thorough understanding of your perspective.
task achievement
Integrate more relevant and specific examples to substantiate your claims. Demonstrating real-world applications or citing evidence can greatly enhance the task achievement score.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • health problems
  • manufactured food and drink products
  • sugary products
  • excessive sugar consumption
  • discourage
  • promote
  • healthier choices
  • reduce
  • increased taxes
  • fund
  • health education
  • prevention programs
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