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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people who have been in prison become good citizens later, and it is often argued that these are the best people to talk to teenagers about the dangers of committing a crime. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Introduction
Some
formers
Replace the word
former
 prisoners change and become respectable and honest members of the community
, there
Punctuation problem
. There
show examples
 is a common point of view that these individuals are the most appropriate
person
Fix the agreement mistake
people
show examples
 to talk to young
people
Use synonyms
 about the
consequences
Use synonyms
 of criminal
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
.
Body paragraph 1
I agree with
this
Linking Words
 perception because
firstly
Linking Words
, in
prison
Use synonyms
, these individuals have known
people
Use synonyms
 guilty of
crimes
Use synonyms
 and
see
Wrong verb form
have seen
show examples
 how they ended, so they can explain very well the
consequences
Use synonyms
.
Secondly
Linking Words
, after
be
Wrong verb form
being
show examples
 in
prison
Use synonyms
 and given thoughts to their actions, they should be able to explain that most
people
Use synonyms
 end up regretting them and feeling bad with them selfs.
Body paragraph 2
The first point is that in
Use synonyms
prison
Punctuation problem
prison,
show examples
 these individuals have probably known some
people
Use synonyms
 guilty of
crimes
Use synonyms
 and
see
Wrong verb form
seen
show examples
 how they ended. They have talked to many
people
Use synonyms
 with
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
different
passed
Replace the word
pasts
 and see how they all ended up in the same situation, in jail. Because of that, they are ideal
people
Use synonyms
 to explain that
commit
Wrong verb form
committing
show examples
crimes
Use synonyms
it’s
Correct pronoun usage
is
show examples
 very dangerous for your future.
For instance
Linking Words
, if a former prisoner
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 met someone
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 ended up in jail because he drove drunk and killed someone in an
accident
Punctuation problem
accident,
show examples
 he can well explain after that the terrible
consequences
Use synonyms
 of the actions we do without thinking.
Body paragraph 3
The second point is that their experience in
prison
Use synonyms
 can help them show that many
persons
Check wording
people
show examples
 ended up feeling guilty. Indeed, the former prisoners have had the
wonderfull
Correct your spelling
wonderful
 opportunity to think about their
action
Fix the agreement mistake
actions
show examples
 and go back to the good path.
In addition
Linking Words
, talking to
others
Correct determiner usage
other
show examples
 prisoners
have help
Correct subject-verb agreement
has helped
show examples
 them even more
understanding
Wrong verb form
understand
show examples
 that many
crimes
Use synonyms
 are committed by mistake. With all
these
Fix the agreement mistake
this
show examples
 experience, they are the perfect citizens to explain the results and
consequences
Use synonyms
 of committing a crime.
For example
Linking Words
, someone who has
stoled
Verb problem
robbed
show examples
 a supermarket for fun with his friend and is now in jail for one year is a good person to explain how to avoid
action
Check wording
actions
show examples
 that you later regret.
Conclusion
To conclude
Linking Words
, I agree that after
prison
Use synonyms
,
people
Use synonyms
 become good citizens and are the perfect persons to talk about the dangers of committing a crime
du
Correct your spelling
due
 to their experience and knowledge.

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task response
Your view is clear: you agree. To make it stronger, explain that former prisoners are helpful only when they have truly changed and can speak in a safe, honest way. You could also say that they should speak with a teacher or police worker.
task response
Your two main reasons are clear, but they are very close: both are about seeing bad results in prison. Add a more different reason, such as young people may listen more to a real life story than to a warning from someone with no such past.
task response
Some examples are useful, but make them more direct and clear. Say what the young person learns from each story, for example that one bad choice can hurt other people and change their whole life.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear shape: opening, two main parts, and an ending. Keep this shape, but begin each main part with one short main idea and then give one example.
coherence and cohesion
Use simple links to show the order of your ideas: “First”, “Also”, “For example”, and “As a result”. Do not repeat “The first point is” and “The second point is” too often.
coherence and cohesion
Make each sentence easier to follow. For example, change “they have known people guilty of crimes and see how they ended” to “they have met people who committed crimes and have seen the result of these acts.”
task response
You answer the question directly and keep the same clear view from the opening to the ending.
task response
You use real life examples, such as drunk driving and stealing, to support your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Your main ideas are put into separate parts, so the reader can follow your essay easily.
coherence and cohesion
The ending clearly returns to your main view and gives a short reason for it.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • prisoners
  • rehabilitation
  • recidivism
  • consequences
  • insights
  • deterrent
  • guidance
  • support
  • role models
  • positive change
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