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Writing Samples
Band 7

Some people who have been in prison become good citizens later, and it is often argued that these are the best people to talk to teenagers about the dangers of committing a crime. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Introduction
It is believed that ex-imprisoned individuals are the most appropriate those who talk to the young about the dangers of committing a crime. Personally, I strongly agree with the fact that they are. Because generally these are the only ones who truly livein acriminal situation , but they are
also
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 the only voice teenagers will hear.
Body paragraph 1
To begin
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, these people are those who lived through
this
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 kind of situation , and now, they understand what they did wrong.
In other words
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, the time spent in the penitentiary made these people realise the errors they comitted and to some of them it made them want to apologise by becoming good citizens.
For example
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, imagine a criminal who spent ten years in jail and who is now a good citizen and wants to make amends. Of course, they will be more appropriate to talk with the younger generations than a psychologist who did not really live through
this
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 type of situation.
Body paragraph 2
To continue, these individuals are the best to talk about criminal life to younger generations because they are the only voices they will really respect and hear about. Because, normally, the teenagers, in an act of rebellion, do not respect authority.
However
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, when ,
for instance
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, a group of ex-criminals come to talk to them about their experience, they will respect them because
firstly
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 they are impressed knowing the grown-up in front of them who has once been a criminal. And
secondly
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, they will hear the speech with attention because some will see themselves represented in one of the speakers.
Conclusion
To conclude
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, I personally think that the people who have been in prison are the most appropriate to talk about criminal life to younger generations. Because they really know these kinds of situations , and because they are truly who are respected by the adolescents.

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task response
Your main view is clear: you agree that people who were in prison can warn teenagers well. To make the answer stronger, also talk about a limit. For example, not every former prisoner is a good speaker or a good role model. Say that talks should be led by people who have changed and are well prepared.
task response
Develop each main point more fully. In the first body part, explain exactly what a former prisoner can tell teenagers: loss of family time, fear, poor job chances, or hard life after prison. This will make your point more real.
task response
Your example is helpful, but it is still very general. Give one clear case of what the person says and how this may change a teenager’s choice.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear shape: introduction, two main parts, and conclusion. Keep this clear plan, but use more natural links. Instead of starting many sentences with "Because", join the idea to the sentence before it.
coherence and cohesion
Some ideas are repeated, such as former prisoners being the only people teenagers will hear. State this once clearly, then add a new reason or result rather than saying the same point again.
coherence and cohesion
Use clearer topic sentences. For example: "Former prisoners can give a real picture of the cost of crime." Then explain this idea in the rest of the paragraph.
task response
You answer the question directly and keep the same clear view from the start to the end.
task response
You give two relevant reasons: real life experience and the power to get teenagers’ attention.
coherence and cohesion
Your paragraphs are in a logical order, and the conclusion brings your main view back clearly.
coherence and cohesion
Words such as "For example", "However", and "To conclude" help the reader follow your ideas.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • prisoners
  • rehabilitation
  • recidivism
  • consequences
  • insights
  • deterrent
  • guidance
  • support
  • role models
  • positive change
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