Scientists recommend making it mandatory for children to learn how to play a musical instrument. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#scientists #children #instrument

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?

These two bar charts illustrate the choices

were

Unnecessary verb

apply

show examples

made by graduate and postgraduate UK

students

Use synonyms

why

Correct word choice

who

show examples

did not find a job after graduation in 2008.

Overall

Linking Words

, the most common destination among graduate and

postgraduates

Change the noun form

postgraduate

show examples

students

Use synonyms

was

further

Linking Words

education.

While

Linking Words

few graduates and postgraduates did not get a job because

their

Change preposition

of their

show examples

charity work.

Linking Words

Moreover

Add a comma

Moreover,

show examples

the majority of

graduates

Change the noun form

graduate

show examples

students

Use synonyms

, 17.735, found

a part-time work

Remove the article

part-time work

a part-time job

show examples

and 16.235 people

who

Correct pronoun usage

apply

show examples

were

unemployment

Replace the word

unemployed

show examples

after leaving college.

In addition

Linking Words

, postgraduates were fewer in 2008

compare

Wrong verb form

compared

show examples

graduates

Change the noun form

graduate

show examples

students

Use synonyms

. Most of them

were

Unnecessary verb

apply

show examples

continued to get

degree

Fix the agreement mistake

degrees

show examples

. Other people, 2535 started not full-time jobs.

Submitted by dulskywork on Thu Jan 11 2024

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion

The response exhibits a faulty attempt at logical structure, with ideas presented in a somewhat haphazard manner. Effort should be made to present information in a clear, logical sequence, focusing on how points relate to each other to create a cohesive argument or narrative.

coherence cohesion

The response lacks a clear introduction and conclusion, which are essential in framing the essay's main points and providing a fitting summary or final thought, respectively. The writer should work on including these elements to properly introduce and conclude the essay.

coherence cohesion

Main points are inadequately supported, lacking detail and development. Future essays should expand on key points with specific details, examples, or explanations to provide a more convincing and informative response.

task achievement

The essay fails to fully address the given task, with a response that is incomplete or not directly related to the task. Future attempts should ensure to meet all the requirements of the task by answering all parts of the question and staying on topic throughout the essay.

task achievement

The development of clear and comprehensive ideas is insufficient, impacting the reader's understanding of the essay's purpose and message. More focus should be placed on developing each point clearly and thoroughly, avoiding vague statements.

task achievement

The use of relevant and specific examples is lacking and impacts the overall strength and credibility of the essay. To improve, the writer should incorporate appropriate examples that directly support the main points being made.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

Paragraph 1 - Introduction

Sentence 1 - Background statement
Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
Sentence 3 - Thesis
Sentence 4 - Outline sentence

Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph

Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
Sentence 2 - Example
Sentence 3 - Discussion
Sentence 4 - Conclusion

Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph

Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
Sentence 2 - Example
Sentence 3 - Discussion
Sentence 4 - Conclusion

Paragraph 4 - Conclusion

Sentence 1 - Summary
Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

5
Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
1
Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
13
Grammar mistakes
detected issues

<4

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 4.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 4.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 4.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 4.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

4 paragraphs

98 words

🚀 Prepare for IELTS writing section today!

Unlimited Task 1 & Task 2 checks
Practice with essays, charts, and letters.
Personalized suggestions & mistake analysis
Spot every mistake and boost your score.
Topic ideas & vocabulary helpers
Expand your ideas and use the right words.
Progress tracking
Watch your writing improve with every practice.

Topic Vocabulary:

mandatory
musical instrument
brain development
language acquisition
mathematical skills
foster
discipline
perseverance
cultural appreciation
emotional expression
practical constraints
financial limitations
elective
social cohesion
ensemble
brain plasticity
curriculum
negative association
passion for music
talent cultivation

What to do next:

Look at other essays:

5.5
band
When choosing a job, the salary is the most important consideration. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Many people choose their jobs based on the size of the salary offered. personally, I disagree with the idea that money is the key consideration when deciding on a career, because I believe that other factors are equally important.
8
band
Many people go through life doing work that they hate or have no talent for. Why does this happen? What are the consequences of this situation?
In today’s fast-paced world, many individuals are employed in sectors they dislike or do not possess the appropriate skills required. This essay explains that the main reason for this could be the increasing need for financial stability. Nevertheless, prolonged periods of retaining such jobs could be detrimental to mental health and quality of work.
5.5
band
Some people say that parents should encourage their children to take part in organised group activities in their free time. Others say that it is important for children to learn how to occupy themselves on their own. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
It is said that parents should motivate their children to participate in group programmes during their spare time, while others have the opinion that children should know how to keep themselves occupied. If children are allowed to take part in group activities, they will learn how to mingle and work with various people, building a sense of unity. On the other hand, if they can find their own task to do, they can be more productive in any talent they like. However, in my opinion, it is better that children choose which method is best for them as each person is different, some may be introverts and some extroverts, who would only do better if left free in a surrounding they are comfortable in.
<4
band
Some believe that people today have no interests in maintaining the traditional culture of their country or region. Others believe that it is still important to people that we preserve a traditional way of life. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
The charts show the results of research of adults education. The bar chart provides the causes why matures decide to study while pie chart gives the information about costs of education.
5.5
band
With the increase in transport and accommodation problems in many cities, some governments are encouraging businesses to move to rural areas. Do you think the advantages of this outweigh its disadvantages? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
Conveyance and housing in urban areas is one of the debatable issues revolving around society. To accommodate this issue, the government was trying to find various solutions. The government had been motivating companies to move to underdeveloped areas. In the upcoming paragraphs, we are going to discuss the numerous advantages and disadvantages related to the solution the government came up with.

Scientists recommend making it mandatory for children to learn how to play a musical instrument. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Fully explain your ideas

When choosing a job, the salary is the most important consideration. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Many people go through life doing work that they hate or have no talent for. Why does this happen? What are the consequences of this situation?

Some people say that parents should encourage their children to take part in organised group activities in their free time. Others say that it is important for children to learn how to occupy themselves on their own. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

Some believe that people today have no interests in maintaining the traditional culture of their country or region. Others believe that it is still important to people that we preserve a traditional way of life. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.