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Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Some argue that music mainly serves as a way for individuals to reduce their stress and anxiety. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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It is often argued that sounds and melodies can help people to eliminate their frustration and worries. In my opinion, I strongly agree with the argument because music can distract individuals from fear and help them to relax after work. First and foremost, music can save society when they are trapped in a nervous situation.
This
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 is because the human brain will be focused on enjoying the melodies
instead
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 of the scary curriculum.
For instance
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, a local university survey shows that before students started to present the projects they often got stressed.
Thus
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, the way to reduce it is to listen to their favourite tunes, which will distract their consciousness.
Therefore
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, songs can be heavily beneficial as a tool to avoid anxiety in fearful settings.
Secondly
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, certain types of musical records can help individuals ease their minds and obtain high-quality time at home.
Moreover
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, It has been proven by many researchers that an office worker or citizen after returning from work might suffer from mental health. The Harvard News,
for example
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, reports high levels of daily stress and tiredness after workdays, with 43%, which the employees feeling like they are on the edge of burnout.
Therefore
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, these kinds of peaceful sounds are paramount for people's healing state of mind. In conclusion, there is no doubt that music’s ultimate function is to reduce folks’ stress and anxiety levels. I completely endorse
this
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 idea
due to
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 it has been proven to its effective in distracting their attention when they are afraid and to make more improving mental health by creating peachful circumstances.

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task achievement
It is pivotal to ensure that the argument is not only presented but also fully developed with relevant examples. The essay addresses the topic but misses the opportunity to delve into richer, more detailed examples that could strengthen the main points.
coherence cohesion
Coherence can be bolstered by improving the flow of ideas between sentences and paragraphs. Thoughtful use of a range of cohesive devices is necessary to guide the reader through the argument seamlessly. Some instances may suggest a repetitive or unclear use of cohesive devices.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion is present, but it should not include new ideas; instead, it should summarize the argument effectively. Also, you might wish to revisit the introduction to ensure that it adequately sets up the direction of the essay.
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