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Band 3.5

Some people perceive shopping as a form of self-indulgence, while others think that people should only buy things they need. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #form #self-indulgence
People often
debate
Verb problem
argue
show examples
 that one should be only purchasing important things
while
 others say that shopping is a kind of pleasure-seeking activity. In my opinion, both
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
aspects have their own advantages and
this
 essay tends to discuss them in detail.
To begin
 with, shopping malls are structured in a way that
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
draw
Correct subject-verb agreement
draws
show examples
 individuals towards them because
it
Correct pronoun usage
there
show examples
 is one place for everything and people especially women love to spend their time wandering in them and trying on different types of clothing, shoes and jewellery. To illustrate, when a person does not feel good
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
then
 they buy something for themselves and it modifies their whole mood. It is a very effective way to get rid of boredom and solitude as well.
Hence
, people find it as a form of
self love
Add a hyphen
self-love
show examples
 and care. On the other side,
while
 everyone loves to buy new things now and
then
, it is very crucial to consider the biggest affecting factor which is
money
.
Money
 may not be the most important thing in
this
 world but it affects everything that it,
therefore
 it is highly recommended to put it to good use
such
 as investing your
money
 in real estate so your
money
 can grow rather than spending all of it on things you do not even need. To recapitulate, shopping is a bit expensive way of self-involving but it does not mean that an individual puts all
its
Correct pronoun usage
their
his
her
show examples
 desires aside and only
live
Correct subject-verb agreement
lives
show examples
upto
Correct your spelling
up to
bare
Correct article usage
the bare
show examples
 minimum.
Submitted by jahnvijindal55 on

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coherence cohesion
Your essay presents a basic structure but lacks clarity in the progression of ideas. The logical flow between paragraphs could be improved by better utilizing linking phrases and topic sentences that clearly state the main idea.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present; however, both sections are not fully developed. It is important that the introduction clearly presents the topic and outlines the structure of the essay, while the conclusion should succinctly summarize the main points and restate your opinion.
coherence cohesion
The main points are somewhat supported by explanations, but the lack of concrete examples and evidence to illustrate the points made reduces the impact of the arguments. Try including specific instances or data to strengthen your position.
task achievement
You have addressed the task and provided a response to the prompt; however, further development in the complexity of ideas is needed. Aim to expand on your points with more depth and consideration of the nuances within the argument.
task achievement
Your essay expresses ideas, but they could be conveyed more comprehensively. Work on creating clearer and more elaborate explanations of your viewpoints, and ensure that your reasoning is well-articulated throughout the essay.
task achievement
You lack specific, relevant examples to illustrate your points. Examples are vital as they provide concrete evidence to support your claims and demonstrate your understanding of the topic. Use real-life instances, research findings, or hypothetical scenarios to enrich your essay.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • perceive
  • self-indulgence
  • desire
  • temptation
  • instant gratification
  • materialistic
  • consumerism
  • excessive
  • luxuries
  • impulsive
  • financial burden
  • satisfaction
  • practicality
  • essential
  • quality of life
  • prioritize
  • overconsumption
  • economic growth
  • balanced approach
  • personal fulfillment
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