IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

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Nowadays, society is increasingly developing in every aspect, and electronic devices, the most well-known of which is the smartphone, appear to be no exception, The youngster is more using mobile devices and spends a lot of
time
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 on them. In the personal alternative,
this
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 trend would create certain benefits but there will
also
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 be some drawbacks. On the one hand, a major positive is that mobile phones become a support tool in studies, seeing that mobile phones are connected to the internet and easy to find out more urgent information.
For instance
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, when
children
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 need to learn history or some of the defined featured academics
such
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 as demographics, economics, or philosophy,…, they use the smartphone to solve difficult problems in next to no
time
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. A
further
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 point to discuss is that
smartphones
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 handle unfortunate situations
such
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 as a lost way, or emergency call. When
youngsters
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 happen to get lost, they can keep GPS, text a message, or drop one’s a line that announces the status quo of yourself for the parents. In brief, the use of mobile phones brings the opportunity to explore new things, which helps the young to be more proactive.
On the other hand
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, there are a number of negatives of
youngsters
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 spending more
time
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 on
smartphones
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. In a few cases,
children
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 were passive and apprehensive in the aspects of communication, society,…
Children
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 will keep their eyes glued to the screens of
smartphones
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 and decreasing interaction with citizens, lack of social activity leading to slow development in
youngsters
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 as for the elements in habitus, mentality, and behaviour,…Another essential point to consider is that
youngsters
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 have been affected by evil
content
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 and are not suitable to perform social media, because cyber-space contains more mass information, is complex, and does not limit
content
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 to the allowed age.
For instance
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, more videos on social media
such
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 as Facebook, and TikTok with inappropriate
content
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 bring violent traits, uncivil,…having detrimental impacts on the thoughts of
children
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 who are more likely to imitate the scenes with duplicated behaviours afterwards. In conclusion, there is a plethora of pros and cons to
children
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 spending more
time
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 on
smartphones
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. What actually matters is that we need to educate
children
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 on the issue of
content
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 selection when using mobile devices.

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coherence cohesion
You should develop a clear introduction and conclusion, each serving its purpose. The introduction should present the topic and your thesis statement, while the conclusion should summarize your main points and restate your position clearly. Several sentences are unwieldy and lack clear topic sentences that guide the reader through your argument.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear central idea, and use cohesive devices effectively to link your ideas logically. Pay attention to the flow of your essay, making sure each paragraph naturally leads to the next.
task achievement
While your response addresses the task, to achieve a higher score you should ensure your ideas are fully developed and directly answer the question. Your response could benefit from clearer, more focused examples to support each point you're making. You should also ensure that each argument made is relevant to the question asked.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
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