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Writing Samples
Band 7

Some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of different culture and ages together. To what extent do you agree or dis agree with this.

#people #music #culture #ages #dis
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Music
Use synonyms
 has many genres that can be enjoyed by a variety of
people
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 without any background limitations, namely culture and age.
This
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 happens because
music
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 can bring relatable
experiences
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 and create solidarity.
Therefore
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, I completely agree that
music
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 is a good way to unify
people
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 despite their differences. First of all, many artists like to write
music
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 based on their
experiences
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,
such
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 as love life. Usually, they create sad songs that relate to the majority of
people
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. There is no limitation in experiencing a sad relationship because it might happen to everyone. Because of
this
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,
people
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 can enjoy songs without cultural or age barriers. Take Taylor Swift
for instance
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, she has the biggest listener in the world because her lyrics are relatable to general
people
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's
experiences
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.
Secondly
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,
people
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 who have the same
music
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 taste are most likely to form a fanbase. In
this
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 group,
people
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 can get a sense of camaraderie
although
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 coming from different backgrounds.
This
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 happens because they share the same interest so they feel more open to other
people
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. Consider the now-rising Korean boy group, BTS: they have a solid fanbase from all over the world called ARMY that gives
people
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 the opportunity to meet
people
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 from different countries. In conclusion, I believe that
music
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 can eradicate the barriers of culture and age because
people
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 can feel the relation to their own
experiences
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.
Moreover
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, fans of
music
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 can
also
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 create a group where they can share their interests freely.
Hence
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,
music
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 is an enjoyable entertainment that gathers
people
Use synonyms
 together.
Submitted by ieltswriting91 on

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coherence cohesion
You have demonstrated a decent capacity to organize your essay in a clear and logical manner. However, there are areas where transitions between ideas could be made smoother. Work on using a wider range of cohesive devices to ensure that the essay flows more naturally from one point to the next.
task achievement
While your essay addresses the topic adequately, you need to develop your main points more thoroughly. The examples provided could be further elaborated to strengthen the argument. Consider expanding on your ideas with additional detail and incorporating multiple perspectives to enhance the depth and breadth of your essay.
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