IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

The government should control the amount of violence in films and televisions in order to decrease violent crimes in society. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
There is a strong argument saying that the number of cruelty in
movies
Use synonyms
 and TV shows needs to be controlled by the authorities. In my opinion, I completely agree with that because the influence of the
media
Use synonyms
 is so impactful that it potentially affects the viewers'
behaviours
Use synonyms
. There is a necessity
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 the authorities to interfere and make
regulation
Fix the agreement mistake
regulations
show examples
 about that. In
this
Linking Words
 essay, I will discuss more details about it. Watching films and
television
Use synonyms
 has become an integral part of our daily lives for every stage of the age. It drives the development of
media
Use synonyms
 industries and encourages producers to release any kind of shows and
movies
Use synonyms
 involving violent
scenes
Use synonyms
.
Media
Use synonyms
 has become a birthplace of trends and people will follow what they have seen on
television
Use synonyms
 or cinema and they tend to
normalised
Change the verb
normalise
show examples
 everything it is. Consuming every content of the
media
Use synonyms
 can impact the viewers'
behaviours
Use synonyms
.
For example
Linking Words
, teenagers tend to earn a sense of confidence by adopting activities that are in the trend and their perspective,
however
Linking Words
, with the limited knowledge they have of the consequences, it potentially
effect
Correct your spelling
affects
show examples
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
their
behaviours
Use synonyms
 in society.
Consequently
Linking Words
, too much portrayal of violent exposures may pose a strain on the development of society.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, the government needs to conduct rules about the reduction of crime
scenes
Use synonyms
 in
media
Use synonyms
.
As a result
Linking Words
, reducing the amount of criminal display in
movies
Use synonyms
 and
television
Use synonyms
 programmes yields significant benefits in promoting the positive mental development of individuals.
For instance
Linking Words
, a decline in violent shows can be a good start in controlling criminal
behaviours
Use synonyms
 when residents have less exposure to those types of information and features that may lead to undesirable consequences.
Therefore
Linking Words
, a fall in the number of inappropriate
television
Use synonyms
 episodes and films is essential for effective control of criminal
behaviours
Use synonyms
 by lessening the exposure to the public. In conclusion, I agree to a large extent that it is essential to reduce the number of violent
scenes
Use synonyms
 in
movies
Use synonyms
 and documentaries to decrease the exposure of criminal actions to the public which arises from the fact that
media
Use synonyms
 is prevalent nowadays and
also
Linking Words
 from the fact that young people may copy and implement
scenes
Use synonyms
 on shows that result in crime.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Coherence & Cohesion
To improve coherence and cohesion, it would be beneficial to ensure smooth transitions between ideas and sentences. Providing more 'signpost' phrases may guide the reader through your arguments more clearly. Additionally, the logical development of paragraphs can be enhanced by linking them more directly to the thesis statement provided in the introduction.
Task Achievement
For task achievement, the essay addresses the topic and provides an opinion as required. However, to reach higher score bands, ensure that your essay discusses the issue from multiple perspectives and avoids a too one-sided argument. More elaboration on the counterarguments would strengthen the overall response. Additionally, providing varied and relevant examples in support of your points will help to fulfil the task more completely.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Desensitization
  • Influence
  • Behavior
  • Artistic freedom
  • Censorship
  • Diverse viewpoints
  • Parental responsibility
  • Monitor
  • Correlation
  • Causation
  • Statistical evidence
  • Regulation
  • Effectiveness
  • Educational programs
  • Mental health support
  • Community policing
  • Content regulation
  • Violent crime rates
  • Practicality
  • International content
  • Cultural sensitivity
What to do next:
Look at other essays: