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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Nowadays, people all over the world are spending more and more time apart from their families. Why is this happening? How does this affect people and their families? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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While
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 communication is being broadened beyond households, family members begin to spend
time
Use synonyms
 apart and at a distance.
This
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 can result in both positive and negative outcomes and can affect families in many ways. First things
first,
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social media can be a culprit for
such
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 phenomenon leading to a wider circle of acquaintance and ultimately friends. Particularly, young adults and teenagers seemingly prefer to favour their same-aged friends over their parents. One obvious rationale for
this
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 is the more similar a group’s age is, the more their thoughts and hobbies resemble;
thus
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, they could enjoy more
time
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 together.
Secondly
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, there has always been an urge to live independently in children as they grow up, and by the
time
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 they reach
adolescence
Add a comma
adolescence,
show examples
 it peaks.
Hence
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, they will be willing to tolerate all the inconveniences following living alone. Regarding the effects, less
time
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 with family probably leads to less dependence which can be considered as merit in some cases.
For instance
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, it forces them to provide for themselves;
therefore
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, developing employment and economic turnover. On one hand, the elderly themselves might require staff to take care of them on behalf of their children who have their concerns at that age, once again employing individuals to help with them.
On the other hand
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, developing communication circles and socializing more can help expand cultures, familiarize with various personality types, and gain more experience. As an example, my sister moved to another country to
further
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 her education. At
first,
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she did not realize she would feel so lonely and start missing us
this
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 much, but after considering her gains, she started to tolerate it all. In conclusion, as strange as it sounds, living alone in a remote country has its advantages and can outweigh all the losses one has to tackle.

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coherence cohesion
To enhance your logical structure, ensure your essay follows a clear sequence. Start with a compelling introduction, proceed with well-structured paragraphs that support your main points, and finish with a strong conclusion that summarizes and reaffirms your position.
coherence cohesion
Make sure that your introduction and conclusion are clear and effectively introduce and conclude the topic. These elements are key bookends to your writing and need to clearly state the main topic, provide your thesis or main argument, and synthesize your overall message at the end.
coherence cohesion
Support all your main points with detailed and specific examples or explanations. You have made statements that could be substantially strengthened by concrete examples or more elaborate and supportive explanations, which would make your essay more persuasive.
task achievement
Address all parts of the prompt to provide a complete response. While you have provided a general overview, make sure to reflect on why the phenomenon is occurring in more depth, and how it specifically affects people and families, with clear, detailed examples.
task achievement
Ensure your ideas are clear and comprehensive, providing a deeper level of insight. You have the foundations of a good argument but need to articulate your reasoning and implications more fully to demonstrate a thorough understanding of the topic.
task achievement
Use relevant, specific examples from personal experience or external sources to underpin your arguments. Your essay would benefit greatly from real-world illustrations or more specific scenarios that exemplify the points you're attempting to convey.
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