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Writing Samples
Band 7

In some cultures, children are often told that they can achieve anything if they try hard enough. What are the advantages and disadvantages of giving children tis message?

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Children
Use synonyms
 are sometimes taught that they have to dream as high as they can. In order to achieve that, they have to work hard enough.
While
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 it can motivate them to pursue their dreams, it
also
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 can affect them negatively if they put too much pressure on themselves. The main purpose of
this
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 message is to encourage
children
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 to try their best. By working hard,
children
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 will exert more effort which can benefit their self-development. Not only will
this
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 development help them to get what they want, but
also
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 yield other benefits that come along the way.
For example
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,
children
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 who dedicate themselves to learning a musical instrument may not only excel in music but
also
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 develop discipline and perseverance, crucial life skills that extend beyond their initial goal.
However
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,
this
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 kind of message can
also
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 be overwhelming for
children
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 that they feel burdened.
This
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 happens because they experience too many pressures, leading them to think that they have not been trying enough.
This
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 can lead to
children
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's depression and demotivation.
For instance
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, a child who is told by his coach that he has not been practising hard enough to be a professional basketball player will result in lower self-esteem and struggle with anxiety.
Therefore
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,
this
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 message will be counterproductive because it harms
children
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's mental. It is understandable to want a big achievement in life and putting in effort is a way to attain them.
This
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 view has its own positive side as it can be advantageous for
children
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's development, but
also
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 its disadvantages if
children
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 are pushing themself too hard. In conclusion,
although
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this
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 culture can boost
children
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's motivation, parents and educators should
also
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 know about their
children
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's capabilities so they can foster a supportive environment where
children
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 can strive for their dreams without sacrificing their mental health.

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coherence cohesion
Ensure each paragraph contains one clear main idea with supporting sentences that directly relate to it. Avoid blending multiple ideas in a single paragraph.
coherence cohesion
Use a wider range of linking words and phrases to better connect sentences and paragraphs, and create a smoother reading experience.
task achievement
Provide relevant examples to support your main points. Make sure these examples are specific and clearly illustrate the argument you are trying to make.
task achievement
When addressing the advantages and disadvantages, give them equal treatment in terms of development and analysis to achieve a balanced essay.
coherence cohesion
Work on a stronger introduction and conclusion. The introduction should more clearly state the topic and your thesis. The conclusion should effectively summarize the key points without introducing new ideas.

Answer the 'Advantages and Disadvantages' topic

IELTS advantages and disadvantages questions normally give you a statement and ask you to comment on the advantages and disadvantages of that statement.

Answer structure for the type of essay

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – advantages
  • Body paragraph 2 – disadvantages
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • The main advantage is...
  • The disadvantage of this...
  • The main benefit...
  • Despite these advantages...
  • One possible drawback...

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • inspiration
  • motivation
  • diligent
  • mindset
  • work ethic
  • resilience
  • self-esteem
  • confidence
  • performance
  • extracurricular activities
  • problem-solving skills
  • challenges
  • disappointment
  • failure
  • inadequacy
  • unrealistic expectations
  • talent
  • opportunities
  • external factors
  • frustration
  • empathy
  • teamwork
  • mental health
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