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Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Nowadays, many families have both parents working. Some working parents believe other family members like grandparents can take care of their children, while others think childcare centres provide the best care. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#families #parents #members #grandparents #care #children #childcare #centres
In
this
Correct determiner usage
these
show examples
 modern days, the majority of families
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 working
parents
 with different views
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 taking
care
 of their
children
. Some
parents
 believe that making their own
parents
 take
care
 of their
kids
 is the best decision
while
 others argue that
childcare
 centres are better
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 giving
best
Add an article
the best
show examples
care
. In
this
Correct determiner usage
the
show examples
 following
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
paragraphs,
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 will examine and analyze two
contrast
Replace the word
contrasting
show examples
 statements
of
Change preposition
on
show examples
this
 topic. In my opinion,
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 have a firm belief that entrusting
grandparents
 for handling my
children
 is the best solution.
To begin
 with, the competitive lifestyle and high product price makes many married
couple
Change to a plural noun
couples
show examples
 have to work
for gaining
Change preposition
to gain
show examples
 resources and
giving
Wrong verb form
give
show examples
 their
kids
best
Correct article usage
the best
show examples
 treatment
such
 as education, food and accommodation.
However
, there is a disadvantage
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
this
 issue which it is harder
for looking
Change preposition
to look
show examples
 after their own
kids
while
 they have responsibility in
workplace
Add an article
the workplace
show examples
.
Hence
, a large number of
parents
asks
Correct subject-verb agreement
ask
show examples
 their
grandparents
 to take
care
their
Change preposition
of their
show examples
 infants because they must know well their grandchildren than other people.
In addition
, after a long
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
day
working
Change preposition
of working
show examples
, they can pick up their
kids
 whenever they want without paying the bills.
For instance
, in Indonesia, handing over their babies to their
parents
 is
ordinary
Add an article
an ordinary
show examples
 thing for them.
On the other hand
,
childcare
Correct article usage
a childcare
show examples
 centre is
also
 one of the best rescues for every working
couples
Change to a singular noun
couple
show examples
 as there are numerous games and many friends that
making
Wrong verb form
make
show examples
 their youth feel more convenient and happier to be there.
Furthermore
, a guarantee is given because several babysitters will be responsible for their job
on
Change preposition
of
show examples
 protecting the toddlers.
However
, there are two drawbacks
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
this
 solution which
were
Verb problem
are that
show examples
 the price is generally expensive and the time depends on
working
Add an article
the working
show examples
 policy.
For example
, there are many situations when
childcare
 will be closed but the
parents
 go to get their
children
 late. In conclusion,
although
 both sides have reasoned
explanation
Fix the agreement mistake
explanations
show examples
,
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 extremely agree that giving trust to your
grandparents
 for guarding your
children
 is better than to
childcare
Correct article usage
a childcare
show examples
 centre because
grandparents
 know your
kids
 well and
no
Add a missing verb
have no
show examples
 worries about getting late to pick up them.
Submitted by triayudea01 on

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coherence cohesion
The essay demonstrates a reasonable ability to organize ideas but lacks variety in the logical connectors, which affects the overall fluency of the text. Try incorporating a wider range of linking words and phrases to enhance the cohesion.
coherence cohesion
You introduced and concluded the essay, but the conclusion should be more comprehensive and reiterate the main points more clearly. Work on constructing concise, strong introductions and conclusions that serve as efficient bookends to the discussion.
coherence cohesion
Although main points were presented, they were not always explicitly supported by clear examples or fully elaborated upon. Strive to use specific and relevant examples to substantiate your arguments, making sure to explain how they support your view.
task achievement
The response is relatively complete, but there is room for improvement in the development of ideas and examples. Aim to clearly state your opinion and expand on it with more thorough evidence and explanations throughout the essay.
task achievement
While ideas were clear, they were not always expressed comprehensively. Enhance your ideas by delving deeper into the reasons behind them and explaining the concepts in greater detail.
task achievement
Examples provided are relevant to the topic but lack specificity. Including more precise and vivid examples will make your argument more compelling and concrete.

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