Nowadays many young people spend their free time in shopping centers. This has a negative effect on youths and society. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?
People
concern regarding most children using their Change noun form
People's
leissure
Correct your spelling
leisure
time
in malls is increasingly topical since some people argue that this
action has negative impacts on kids’ lives and society. In respond
to Replace the word
response
this
aforementioned issue, I will deliver some arguments in the following paragraph, and argue that I thoroughly disagree with this
perspective about drawbacks on young
Correct article usage
the young
generation
and society due to
beneficial impacts on improving their networking and healthy
Replace the word
health
while
going the
malls.
Change preposition
to the
Firstly
, spending time
in commercial buildings will improve kids’ connection. This
is because rarely children do walk independently within in
Change preposition
apply
this
area, so they are always accompanied by their friends or relatives. The more intense they go to the mall, the more youths spend time
together with
their peers, and consequently
it will build a strong connection among them. For example
, young
Correct article usage
the young
generation
who has
a frequent Correct subject-verb agreement
have
time
hanging out to
the shopping centre, Change preposition
at
they
tend to Correct pronoun usage
apply
get
Verb problem
have
a
strong Correct article usage
apply
relationship
because of a high Fix the agreement mistake
relationships
intense
of Replace the word
intensity
meeting
with friends.
Fix the agreement mistake
meetings
Secondly
, walking through the shopping avenue increase
children’s health condition. The reason is that the mall Correct subject-verb agreement
increases
consist
of a massive area inside, Change the verb form
consists
therefore
, the young generation
has to walk in
a long way Change preposition
apply
while
spending their leissure
Correct your spelling
leisure
time
in it. This
activity can burn kids’ calories and fat, and then
it lead
them to have a fit body without facing obesity. Taking Indonesia as one example, a survey conducted by Change the verb form
leads
Faculty
of Medicine Correct article usage
the Faculty
in
the University of Indonesia shows that there is a positive correlation between going to shopping Change preposition
at
centre
and body health. Fix the agreement mistake
centres
This
research shows that 86% individuals
visiting Change preposition
of individuals
to
shopping centres frequently have more ideal weights than those who do not like shopping in Remove the preposition
apply
this
location.
To sum up
, spending time
in commercial buldings
has positive developments for Correct your spelling
buildings
young
Correct article usage
the young
generation
since they can build a strong relationship and raising
their health by burning calories and fats.Wrong verb form
raise
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task achievement
Task achievement: Ensure you fully address all parts of the task and provide a balanced view if required. Maintain a clear position throughout the response. Additionally, each paragraph should contain a clear main idea and relevant evidence or examples to support your points.
coherence cohesion
Coherence and cohesion: Focus on organizing your ideas logically with clear paragraphing. Links between main ideas and paragraphs should be clear with the use of cohesive devices. Strive to vary your sentence structures, avoid repetition, and use a range of linking words to enhance readability.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.
‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.
Examples:
I really want to study but I’m too tired.
I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.
If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.