Nowadays many people have access to computers and a large number of children enjoy playing video games. What are the advantages and disadvantages of playing video games for children?

The state of the art technology,
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
is a common activity that the internet and computer
games
are accessing to a big figure of kinds. It may bring violence to
children
as
this
topic is concerned.
This
can be overwhelming to a new generation which can be tackled using appropriate measures.
To begin
with,
this
issue may lead to detrimental effects on brain development because
for
Add the comma(s)
, for
show examples
kids
, it is a period of time to grow their evolution and critical thinking. These days half of
video
games
are creating a lot of murders,
war
Fix the agreement mistake
wars
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, or robberies which have a negative effect on
children
. Especially innocent and young
children
who do not understand an exact situation or behaviour from
games
. They may copy or follow those activities.
Moreover
Add a comma
Moreover,
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if teenagers have been spending more time with
video
games
and do not manage their tasks
such
as homework or housework. So there are disadvantages for
children
that it is harmful
for
Change the preposition
to
show examples
their routine life and
also
for the future. It should have an adviser to look after and handle
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
distribution
Add an article
the distribution
show examples
.
Conversely
,
video
games
may have benefits for
children
which consist of innovation of technology, opportunities to practise, and boost motivation.
Kids
can learn many things that can apply the knowledge they acquire without getting into dangerous situations.
While
it transforms learning into an enjoyable, thrilling game without boring lessons.
Thus
teenagers can get a different advantage in the class and
also
relax or learn more chances with their interest in the real one. Examples are photo match
games
, Cooking
games
, and City building
games
. In conclusion, people have used the internet and computer
games
that satisfy playing
video
games
that will have two sides
while
we can handle and collocate with our life balance and tend to our
kids
. Some
kids
want more time to be responsible and describe.
Furthermore
, authorities should be concerned and operate the system and website before it is open to the public.
Submitted by cherriess_cr on

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task achievement
Your essay partially addresses the task. However, the advantages and disadvantages are not distinctly expressed and explored, requiring more balance and clearer development. The task requires a more detailed examination of both sides of the argument with specific and equally weighted examples.
coherence cohesion
Your essay lacks a cohesive structure, with body paragraphs not clearly separated and ideas not flowing smoothly from one to the next. Use clear paragraphing and linking words to guide the reader through your argument. Each main point should be elaborated upon logically, with clear topic sentences and supporting details.

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