IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7.5

Some people get into debt by buying things they don’t need and can’t afford. What are the reasons for this behaviour? What action can be taken to prevent people from having this problem?

#people #debt #don’t #can’t #behaviour #action
Nowadays,
people
 tend to buy expensive and unuseful
things
, and most
people
 have loans because of buying those. I will discuss what causes
this
 phenomenon and the solution to
this
 in the following paragraphs. To start with, in my opinion, credit cards are the main reason for
this
 because you do not have to pay the bill one for all.
Instead
, you can pay it in split ways.
As a result
,
people
 think we can purchase costly stuff. To cite an example
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
my friend, Grace who is my co-worker likes to go shopping very often. She always goes to shopping malls for clothes, cosmetic products, accessories, and so on. Her finances can not support those
things
.
Thus
, she is in financial difficulties. Why does she want to buy those pricy
things
? Because she wants to look great. Having a pretty appearance is the most important thing
in
Change preposition
for
show examples
 many of us. I believe that
people
 should focus on cheaper and more affordable products.
This
 could be a remedy. Some cheap stuff still looks wonderful. Why do we need to spend a lot of money on those luxury
things
? If society tells us inexpensive is the best, maybe we can end
this
 problem. In a nutshell,
people
 want to buy
things
 which make them good-looking.
However
, most of us do not have enough money for those.
Therefore
, in my view, the best way to change it is to change the way we think. If the world promotes reasonable goods, we may no longer have
this
 issue.
Submitted by edward300225 on

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Language Use
To improve further, consider adding a wider variety of sentence structures to enhance the readability and sophistication of your essay.
Evidence/Examples
While your examples are relevant, adding more diverse and detailed examples could strengthen your argument and provide a richer context for your discussion.
Vocabulary
Consider diversifying your vocabulary to include more academic and topic-specific terms, which can demonstrate a higher level of English proficiency and understanding of the topic.
Task Response
Your essay provided a clear and coherent response to the task, aligning well with the topic.
Coherence and Cohesion
You successfully structured your essay with a logical flow, making it easy to follow your argument.
Use of examples
Your use of examples, such as the anecdote about your friend Grace, makes your argument relatable and grounded in real-life situations.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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