IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Many museums and historical sites are mostly visited by foreign tourists, but not by local people. Why do you think it happens? What can be done to attract local people to these sites?

#museums #sites #tourists #people
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The first line graph shows the data that British guardian
purchasing
Wrong verb form
purchased
show examples
 to the
sport
Use synonyms
 for their child from
a
Change the article
the
show examples
 year
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
2008 to 20014 by pound sterling. The second line graph illustrates the proportion of
children
Use synonyms
 who are participating in three different factors of sports over in the UK at the same period
time
Change preposition
of time
show examples
.
Overall
Linking Words
, from the comparison of the line graphs that gave
an information
Remove the article
information
a piece of information
show examples
 the amount of money that has been spent was increased
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
every
two
Use synonyms
years
Use synonyms
 from
Correct article usage
the started
show examples
started
Change the form of the verb
start
show examples
.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, participation in the
sport
Use synonyms
 of
children
Use synonyms
also
Linking Words
 clime up same as money that has been purchased. The highest
sport
Use synonyms
 that popular
for
Change preposition
among
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
kid
Fix the agreement mistake
kids
show examples
 is football it is over
than
Change preposition
apply
show examples
7
million
Use synonyms
. Extremely increased was an Athletics. Despite swimming slightly rise too. From started the average monthly spend on Childrens’ sports starting at 20 pounds
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 2008 and rise to 25 pounds in 2008. As we have seen there, the prices are increasing every
two
Use synonyms
 single
years
Use synonyms
.
From the
Change preposition
The
show examples
 average that British parents spent
was
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
increased
5
Change preposition
by 5
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pounds
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
every
two
Use synonyms
years
Use synonyms
.
Number
Change the article
A number
The number
show examples
 of
children
Use synonyms
 who
are
Verb problem
apply
show examples
participation
Replace the word
participate
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 in three different sports, most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
teenage
Correct your spelling
teenagers
show examples
 would love to join in football sections.
From the
Change preposition
The
show examples
 information
starting
Wrong verb form
started
show examples
 at 8
million
Use synonyms
 in 2008 and 2010, the increased to 9.5
million
Use synonyms
 in 2012 and 2014. On swimming factors slightly rose to 3
million
Use synonyms
 in 2014 which means
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
every
Use synonyms
years
Change to a singular noun
year
show examples
 2
million
Use synonyms
 2
million
Use synonyms
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
children
Use synonyms
 will
participating
Wrong verb form
participate
show examples
.
Linking Words
Last
Correct article usage
The last
show examples
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
Use synonyms
sport
Fix the agreement mistake
sports
show examples
 factors was athletics, in
first
Correct article usage
the first
show examples
two
Use synonyms
years
Use synonyms
were
Correct subject-verb agreement
was
show examples
position
Change preposition
in position
show examples
 and extremely increased in 2012
at
Change preposition
to
show examples
 5
million
Use synonyms
then
Linking Words
fall
Wrong verb form
fell
show examples
 to 4.7
million
Use synonyms
 in
a
Change the article
the
show examples
 year of 2014.
Submitted by Chaiyapat Soka on

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introduction conclusion present
The essay lacks a clear introduction and conclusion which are important for setting the context and summarising the main points. Ensure the essay has a clear introductory paragraph and a concluding paragraph that reinforces your main points.
The essay failed to directly address the given topic about museums and historical sites. It instead discusses a completely unrelated subject regarding sports participation and expenditure in the UK. Always ensure you respond to the specific topic and question,
logical structure
There are significant issues with coherence and cohesion in the essay. Sentences are disjointed, and ideas are not logically sequenced. Work on creating clear topic sentences and follow them with supporting information that develops these ideas in a structured manner.
supported main points
The main points presented are difficult to follow and are not effectively supported with clear and relevant examples. Always aim to have clear main points and support each one with specific examples or data.
clear comprehensive ideas
Be sure to focus on the topic given and develop a comprehensive response that addresses all parts of the prompt. Provide clear and comprehensive ideas that respond to the 'why' and 'what can be done' for the specific subject of local engagement in museums and historical sites.
relevant specific examples
The essay does not provide relevant examples related to the question about why local people might not visit museums and historical sites and what can be done to attract them. Make sure to include specific, relevant examples to support your ideas and responses.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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