IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Although it is generally illegal, physical punishment continues in many countries. Some argue that parents should have the right to punish their children in this way. Do you agree or disagree?

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In order to study
children
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 well and help them to avoid severe life mistakes some parents use physical punishments. I firmly agree that physical treatments without body damage contribute to more effective parenting and make
children
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 better in
the
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their
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 future life.
Firstly
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, despite some people's insisting that physical
punishment
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 is inappropriate because it can break
children
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's psychology, I think that It is less traumatic than mental treatment.
In other words
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, shouting or mental pressing
are
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is
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 much more harmful than light slapping.
On the contrary
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 shouting or threats to a little kid are often more damaging.
In other words
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, physical
punishment
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 can be not necessarily as punching but
be
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apply
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more like sports exercises.
For example
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, in one family squads were used to punish
children
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 who disobeyed their parents.
This
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 is because sports exercises are not harmful or offensive but quite effective.
Secondly
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,
nevertheless
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, some people believe that only conversation and acceptance must be used, I am sure that the fear of
punishment
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 is a great teacher and an important factor in training kids.
For instance
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, restrictions and rules can be imposed only if there is a threat of
punishment
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 and it helps to develop individual
responsibility
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. It looks similar to the common model of the present society where damaging
punishment
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 can be imposed for criminals who violate the law.
That is
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 why adults without personal
responsibility
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 and realising
of
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apply
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consequences can be useless or even dangerous.
Due to
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this
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 physical
punishment
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 develops personal
responsibility
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 and is more effective in terms of modern society.
To sum up
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, it is important to study
children
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 effectively and
harmful
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harmfully
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. Smart physical
punishment
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 can be very productive in terms of increasing personal
responsibility
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 and not harmful as well.

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coherence cohesion
The essay lacks a clear introduction and conclusion which are essential components of an IELTS essay to guide the reader through the argument and effectively summarize the discussion.
coherence cohesion
The essay demonstrates a basic logical structure but lacks complex sentences and cohesive devices which are needed to link ideas across paragraphs and within sentences.
coherence cohesion
Your main points are not fully supported by relevant examples or explanations. Ensure each main argument is clearly explained and supported with specific examples.
task achievement
The essay does not fully address the task; there is a need to provide a clearer position throughout the essay and fully develop arguments related to the given prompt.
task achievement
The ideas are somewhat clear, but they need to be developed more comprehensively. The essay should expand on the ideas presented to fully explore them.
task achievement
Some examples are provided, but they need to be more relevant and specific to the argument being made. Ensure that the examples are clearly linked to the main points and help to support your argument.
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