In a number of countries, some people think it is necessary to spend large sum of money on constructing new railway lines for very fast trains between cities. Others believe the money should spent on improving existing public transport. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
In some nations, some people believe that there
is
many advantages to Change the verb form
are
use
a huge money on building new railway lines for very fast Verb problem
spending
trains
between cities
, while
others think we should spent
money on developing the current public transportation system. Change the verb form
spend
While
imporving
existing public transport can reduce the Correct your spelling
improving
congestion
in the city
, I believe that building fast trains
between cities
can encourage the population of rural areas
.
On the one hand, enhancing the current public transportation system can reduce the
urban Correct article usage
apply
congestion
. The convenience of public transport will encourage citizens to use it insteade
of driving their own cars. Correct your spelling
instead
This
will decrease the numbers
of cars which run on the roads and it leads to Fix the agreement mistake
number
avoid
Change the verb form
avoiding
the
Correct article usage
apply
congestion
in the city
. For example
, Hanoi has it’s
first sky train and it is Replace the word
its
the
good choice for students and workers to travel to companies or schools easily and avoid Correct article usage
a
the
Correct article usage
apply
cogestion
during Correct your spelling
congestion
the
peak hours.
Correct article usage
apply
On the other hand
, building fast trains
from one city
to another city
can encourage the population of rural areas
. This
will allow many employees to work in other cities
without renting a place to live. This
means many rural areas
where young people could leave their hometown
to find their dream jobs in the big Fix the agreement mistake
hometowns
cities
can keep their citizens to stay there. It would reduce the rate of buying or renting housing in the big cities
, and develop rural areas
to be the better places to live. For instance
, in Japan, many employees work in Tokyo but their homes are in other cities
where
are far away from Tokyo. The fast Correct word choice
that
trains
encourage them to work in Tokyo while
living in their hometown,
and help them to save their rents.
In conclusion, Remove the comma
apply
although
it is important to reduce the
Correct article usage
apply
congestion
by developing current public transport in the city
, I believe that the convenience of fast trains
between cities
can increase the population of rural areas
and reduce the rate of buying or renting housing in urban areas
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coherence cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea and the transition between paragraphs is smooth. Your essay sometimes jumps from one idea to another too quickly. Use linking phrases to better connect points and paragraphs.
coherence cohesion
You should work further on your introduction and conclusion, making sure to reiterate your main points here for stronger impact. This enhances the overall cohesion of the essay.
task achievement
For task achievement, fully respond to all parts of the task and make sure to offer a balanced discussion. While you have discussed both views, the discussion could be more comprehensive with additional detail and development of points.
task achievement
Make your ideas clearer and more comprehensive by using a range of structures and vocabulary. Elaborate on points with more depth.
task achievement
Use more relevant and specific examples to support your points. Make sure these examples are fully developed and contribute to the main point of the paragraph.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.
‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.
Examples:
I really want to study but I’m too tired.
I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.
If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.