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Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Nowsday, a growing number of people with health problems are trying to alternative medicines and treatments instead of visiting their usual doctor. Do you think this is a positive or negative development ?

#nowsday #people #health #alternative #medicines #treatments #doctor #development
An increasing number of individuals suffering from illnesses are opting for alternative treatments rather than seeking a certified doctor. I believe that
this
 is a negative development as
people
 might falsely diagnose themself and they cannot guarantee the medicine's compounds are safe to consume.
Firstly
, it is common that individuals tend to self-diagnose their health problems.
This
 happens because they search for their conditions online and think that they have contracted a disease that has similar symptoms.
This
 is a major fatality because their health problems are not fully checked by someone with a medical background and they risk getting false treatments.
For example
,
people
 with severe coughs might think that they suffer from Tuberculosis because of the internet
while
 they actually have Bronchitis.
This
 leads to them receiving the wrong medications.
Secondly
,
people
 cannot be certain of the materials to make alternative medicines.
While
 it may seem effective, users often lack information about potential side effects, leading to complications of their issues.
For instance
, in Indonesia, there are a lot of cases where
people
 just buy medicines from the pharmacist without consulting a doctor.
This
 is dangerous because treatment without a doctor's instruction may pose the risk of poisoning. In conclusion, I believe that the rising number of
people
 choosing alternative treatment over visiting doctors is concerning because they might get misleading diagnoses and wrong treatments to cure their illness.
Therefore
,
people
 should go to certified
people
 to ensure their safety rather than trying to shortcut their way with the alternatives.
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coherence cohesion
The essay displays an attempt to follow a logical structure, but it falls short in providing clear connections between ideas and in transitioning smoothly from one paragraph to another. Using more cohesive devices and varied sentence structures could greatly enhance the readability and flow of the essay.
task achievement
Despite responding to the task, the response seems to be slightly underdeveloped. Ideas should be explained and illustrated with more relevant, specific examples. Also, ensure to cover all parts of the prompt; in case of agree/disagree prompts, discussing both sides can enrich the response even if you decide to take a clear stance.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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