IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

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Due to
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 several reasons, a considerable number of
children
Use synonyms
 use their smartphones for more than one hour
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a day. In my opinion, nowadays we are facing a new phrase
that is
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 called “Digital Native”. In
this
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 case, technology is an unavoidable part of our new generation’s life, which can cause several major drawbacks.
Thus
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, I consider it negative based on reasons that I will discuss
bellow
Correct your spelling
below
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.
To begin
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 with,
this
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 development can
make
Verb problem
create
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 a huge generation gap between
children
Use synonyms
 and their
parents
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. Based on
this
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 gap, families face a lack of mutual perception. In fact, based on
this
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 virtual reality, youngsters feel
themselves
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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more sophisticated and knowledgeable about a variety of issues
comparing
Wrong verb form
compared
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 to elder people.
Thus
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, it is just a matter of
time
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till
Correct word choice
before
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 they lose their respect
to
Change preposition
for
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 their
parents
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 and become big-headed, which is not sociably suitable.
For instance
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, as far as I know in all modern families,
parents
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 are dealing with
children
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 who do not want to accept their elders’ helpful
advices
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advice
pieces of advice
bits of advice
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an
Correct your spelling
and
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recommends
Replace the word
recommendations
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 in various aspects.
In addition
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,
this
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 virtual reality can keep them away from real experiences, which are extremely essential in forming
children
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’s
personality
Fix the agreement mistake
personalities
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.
In other words
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,
children
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 waste
such
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time
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 on their smartphones that they can have physical activity which is important for their health and longevity, and
also
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 meet new people which helps them to learn soft skills.
For example
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, if a child
play
Change the verb form
plays
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 with his mobile or brows
in
Change preposition
on
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 social media for a long
time
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, which can harm his eyes, he will never learn how
roll
Add the particle
to roll
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 with the punches and deal with problems that may happen between him and his friends.
To sum up
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, spending most of
children
Use synonyms
’s daily
time
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 on their smartphones has some far-reaching consequences. Not only do they lose
their
Change the word
the
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respects
Fix the agreement mistake
respect
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to
Change preposition
of
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 their
parents
Use synonyms
due to
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 a generation gab but
also
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,
they
Correct word choice
but they
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lose
Rephrase
also lose
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 the chance
of being
Change preposition
to be
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 in
community
Correct article usage
the community
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 and
learning
Wrong verb form
learn
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 many soft skills.

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introduction conclusion present
The essay introduces and concludes the topic, however, the introduction could be more engaging by providing a clear thesis statement. The conclusion summarizes the points but it doesn't effectively restate the writer's position. The essay would benefit from a stronger thesis and a more decisive conclusion.
logical structure
The logical structure of the essay is satisfactory. However, more cohesive devices could be used to improve transitions between sentences and paragraphs. Additionally, paragraphing could be better managed to distinctly separate ideas.
supported main points
Main points are supported, but the supporting details at times are not fully developed. To improve, each point should be expanded with further explanation, evidence, or examples. The use of a wider range of vocabulary and sentence structures would also help to strengthen your arguments.
complete response
While the essay addresses the topic, there are opportunities to deepen the response with more thorough exploration of the reasons why children spend hours on smartphones and the ramifications. Consider comparing the positive and negative effects more directly to present a balanced view.
clear comprehensive ideas
Your ideas are clear but some could be elaborated upon to enhance comprehensiveness. Strive for more depth in your explanations and consider all aspects of the prompt. Remember to directly address all parts of the question.
relevant specific examples
Relevant examples are used but they lack specificity. To elevate your score, include detailed and specific examples to illustrate your points. These examples should be concrete, relevant, and effectively linked to the point you're making.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
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