IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Being a celebrity, such as a famous film star or sports personality-brings problems as well as benefits. Do you think that being a celebrity brings more benefits or more problems?

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Popular
people
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 create issues and give benefits to society. I am in favour of these
people
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 bringing more benefits to the country in the form of money and good habits.
To begin
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 with, after they become celebrities, sometimes
time
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 they start doing the wrong things and
people
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 start copying them.
For example
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, if a world-renowned person starts advertising smoke or other unhealthy products like cigarettes, wine and tobacco. Which has bad effects on youngsters because they do not know about their good and bad.
Furthermore
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, sometimes
Use synonyms
time
Verb problem
apply
show examples
these gentlemen start fighting in public places and breaking rules, so their fans start doing the same, which sometimes
time
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 becomes bad for society.
For instance
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, an Indian
film
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 star Salman Khan, was driving his car and killed 5
people
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 in the night
time
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, he was fully drunk.
On the other hand
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, popular icons bring benefits to the country. They pay huge taxes because they earn a good amount of money.
Such
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 as, a
film
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 actor acts in a
film
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 and that
film
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 hit and collects good turnover.
Due to
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 the good business of the movie, the government collect heaps of tax, which is used for the betterment of the citizens.
Nevertheless
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, successful
people
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 promote businesses as well, where companies make a lot of money It encourages the fashion, hospitality and other industries to
boom
Verb problem
boost
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 their business. Citizens of the world start buying those advertised products. So many families feed their families. It is psychological
people
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 mostly listen
from
Change preposition
to
show examples
 famous
people
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. In conclusion, a coin has both sides, pros and cons
also
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 present. I think celebrities are more beneficial for society as compared to problems.

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coherence cohesion
Your essay lacks a cohesive and clear structure, with ideas appearing somewhat disjointed. Logical sequencing is needed to strengthen the relationship between ideas, ensuring that they flow smoothly from one to another. Transition words and clear topic sentences should be used to guide the reader through your arguments.
coherence cohesion
You need to work on the clarity of your introduction and conclusion, clearly stating your position and summarizing your main points. These sections are crucial in framing your essay and helping the reader understand the focus of your discussion.
coherence cohesion
While you attempt to support your main points, the support lacks depth and the development of ideas is limited. Aim to provide more detailed support and development for each of your main points to substantiate your argument effectively.
task achievement
You have made an effort to address the prompt, but your response is incomplete as it does not fully develop all aspects of the question. Make sure to cover all parts of the task and ensure you provide a balanced view if the question requires it.
task achievement
Although you presented some ideas, they could be presented in a clearer and more comprehensive manner. Aim for greater clarity by expressing your thoughts directly and succinctly. Avoid repetitions and ensure that each paragraph contains a single, coherent idea.
task achievement
Your examples are somewhat relevant but lack specificity. Use more precise and detailed examples to illustrate your points better and to make your arguments more persuasive.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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