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Writing Samples
Band 5

These days, cell (mobile) phones and the internet are very important to the ways in which people relate to one another socially. Do the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?

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Nowadays electronic devices and the
Internet
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 play significant roles in our daily life. Many are of the opinion that
this
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 growing tendency
considerable
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considerably
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 affects the quality of relationships between
people
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. As far as I am concerned, I believe that the drawbacks of the impact that these gadgets
has
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have
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 on
humans
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human
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 connections have the edge over its potential positive aspects.
This
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 essay will analyze the pluses and minuses
accociated
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associated
 with these developments and provide a logical conclusion. On the one hand, access to mobile phones and the
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internet
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Internet
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 made communication way easier
that
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than
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 ever
been
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apply
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before.
In other words
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, not until the development of these tools were
people
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 able to contact
with
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apply
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others in
such
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 an effortless and rapid way. Thanks to the
Internet
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 we are now able to call or text a person from
entirely
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an entirely
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 different part of the world, and it takes less than 10 seconds to do so.
For instance
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, international students can freely keep
it
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in
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 touch with their relatives despite the kilometres between them,
thus
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 their relationship would not vanish during a separation.
Despie
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Despite
this
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 benefit, the introduction of cell phones
nad
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and
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 the
Internet
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 has undoubtedly weakened real-life bonds between
people
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, and
decrease
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decreased
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 our ability to collaborate with others. Because of these gadgets we became used to texting another person rather than talking to them in reality.
This
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 habit has undeniable detrimental effects on the quality of relationships we create.
Also
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,
as a result
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 of a decline in social
interactions
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interactions,
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people
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 often find it more difficult to cooperate with others. It was proved in the recent Harvard University research
regaridng
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regarding
 modern sociology, which indicated that
due to
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 access to technological
devices
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devices,
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 most
people
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 nowadays opt for working by themselves rather than in a group, as they consider it more convenient and less stressful.
To conclude
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,
although
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 the maturation of mobile phones and the
Internet
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 contributed to the
notably
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notable
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imporvement
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improvement
 of communication between
people
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, it undoubtedly weakened the quality of relationships we form and our willingness to work together.

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coherence cohesion
Ensure there is a clear introduction, development, and conclusion to your essay. Introduce the topic, present your arguments, have clear topic sentences for each paragraph, then summarise or conclude the discussion effectively. This structure was followed but there were some areas of the text that did not transition as smoothly as they could have.
coherence cohesion
Each main point in your body paragraphs should be clearly supported by specific examples or evidence. Aim to expand on your argument by introducing examples that are directly relevant to the topic. The examples provided were relevant, but more detail and development could be given to strengthen the support for your main points within the text.
task achievement
A complete response to the task must address all parts of the prompt. Ensure you have fully developed your points to meet the task requirement. You have generally achieved this but could do so more completely by bringing in more detailed examples and examining both sides of the argument equally.
task achievement
Aim to express ideas clearly and comprehensively. Carefully organize your thoughts so that the reader can easily follow your reasoning. You have mostly succeeded in this, but you may want to refine your ideas for clarity, particularly where there could be misunderstandings.
task achievement
To score higher in task achievement, it's important to provide more specific, well-developed examples that are relevant to your argument. Your essay contained general examples but did not delve into the depth or specificity that could showcase a thorough understanding of the topic.
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