IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 0.5

It is a common aspiration among many young people to run their own business, rather than work for an employer.Do you think the advantages of working for yourself outweigh the drawbacks

#aspiration #people #business #work #employer
Nowadays,the number of people who are going to be entrepreneurs significantly increased.On
contrary
Correct article usage
the contrary
show examples
 an establishment comes with
the
Correct article usage
an
show examples
 excessive amount of responsibilities,it
also
 may serve as a step to attain a desirable wealth or a status in society.
That is
 the reason why I consider that potential benefits ,mainly,surpass ,most of the possible risks
Submitted by abuzyarovich on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure your essay has a clear introduction, body, and conclusion. Each paragraph should have a clear main idea.
coherence cohesion
Work on linking ideas and sentences to ensure the essay flows logically from introduction to conclusion. Connecting words or phrases (e.g., however, therefore, for instance) can help improve the flow of your arguments.
task achievement
The response appears to be incomplete as it does not discuss the drawbacks of running one's own business, which is necessary to properly address the topic. Make sure to cover all aspects of the question.
task achievement
Develop your ideas more fully with clear explanations and relevant examples. Each point you make should be expanded on and supported by concrete details or examples.
coherence cohesion
Proofread your work to avoid grammar errors, spelling mistakes, and ensure that the words you choose accurately convey your intended meaning.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • aspiration
  • entrepreneur
  • flexibility
  • decision-making
  • financial rewards
  • personal fulfillment
  • challenges
  • financial risk
  • invested capital
  • cash flow
  • guaranteed income
  • work-life balance
  • responsibility
  • pressure
  • burnout
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