IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Although it is generally illegal, physical punishment continues in many countries. Some argue that parents should have the right to punish their children in this way. Do you agree or disagree?

#punishment #countries #argue #parents #right #children
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The history of physical
punishment
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 is coming many years ago. Not only at school,
at
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but at
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home
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home,
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 as
parents
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 were bringing up,
punish
Wrong verb form
punishing
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 them physically and mentally. Nowadays, psychologists have proved that punitive actions
cause
Verb problem
have
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bad
Correct article usage
a bad
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effect
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effects
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 on
children
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’s
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
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. In
this
Linking Words
 essay, I will outline why I do agree with
psychological
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the psychological
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idea
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ideas
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 and I totally disagree with punishing
action
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actions
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 on the youth. First and foremost,
punishment
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 has an awful influence on their emotion and
feeling
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feelings
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. Punitive activity on kids can easily damage their
feeling
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feelings
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 and confidence, and in the long
run
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run,
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 it will show up in adulthood with violent behavior.
In addition
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, most
parents
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 do
punishment
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 to make their
children
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 to be obedient,
nonetheless
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along with
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 the stubbornness
displays
Wrong verb form
displayed
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more
on
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in
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 their acting. Certainly, it goes without saying that absolutely
parents
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 are not interested in spanking and slapping, and it’s definitely a reaction to aggressive
behavior
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behaviour
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, but They do have a wide insight
to
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into
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 childhood education.
In addition
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, it causes more
distances
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distance
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 between
parents
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 and kids.
Moreover
Linking Words
,
children
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 are hit physically by
punishment
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, too. Physical
punishment
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 translates into depression and dementedness, as does
injured
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injury
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.
This
Linking Words
 is to say that, it harms bodies and remains for a long time
such
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 as swelling and
bruise
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bruises
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,
not to mention
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 in some cases, it doesn’t cure,
for
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instance
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instance,
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 injured eye and loss
a
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of a
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part of
body
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the body
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.
Furthermore
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, enduring
sore
Correct your spelling
sorrow
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 and pain for
children
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 is unreasonable and illogical .
To sum up
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, there are
variety
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a variety
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ideas
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of ideas
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 about the
parents
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’ cruel education with
children
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. despite the punitive has been one of the kids’ educations, and some have a positive view, it brings
namouras
Correct your spelling
cameras
 damages not only bodily, has effect mentally and emotionally, too.
Thus
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,
the
Correct article usage
apply
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hitting and crashing them should be totally forbidden.
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coherence cohesion
In terms of logical structure, the essay tends to jump from one idea to another without clear transitions. Ensure that each paragraph transitions smoothly into the next, using appropriate linking words and cohesive devices.
coherence cohesion
Your essay includes both an introduction and a conclusion, which is positive. However, the introduction does not effectively set the stage for the argument nor does the conclusion provide a decisive closing statement. Work on crafting a strong thesis statement and a resonant concluding sentence that echoes the main points made.
coherence cohesion
While the main points related to the topic are present, they are not always clearly supported by concrete details or examples. To strengthen your essay, include specific examples or evidence that support your claims, thus demonstrating a deeper understanding of the topic.
task achievement
You have provided a response to the task, but at times, the relevance of your arguments could be better established. Be sure that every point made is directly addressing the question prompt and contributing to a coherent argument throughout the essay.
task achievement
The ideas presented in the essay could be organized more comprehensively. Make use of clear topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph and develop each idea fully before moving on to the next point.
task achievement
Specific examples are limited in your essay, which reduces the strength of your arguments. Incorporate relevant and specific examples to illustrate your points more effectively. This can enhance the persuasiveness of your argument and demonstrate your understanding of the topic.
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