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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Famous sportsmen earn a lot more money than those in other professions. Although sport is important in our lives, everyone should be equal and such big incomes of sport professionals are unjustified. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Sports
Use synonyms
 have gained increasing prominence in contemporary society
due to
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 their significant contributions to entertainment and the promotion of healthy competition.
Consequently
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, becoming a popular athlete has become one of the most prominent professions in today's society.
Nevertheless
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,
this
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 tendency
also
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 provokes controversy, raising questions about the fairness of granting exorbitant salaries to renowned
sports
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 stars. To some degree,
athletes
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 should receive greater salaries to offset the exorbitant costs associated with equipment.
For instance
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, equestrian is an extortionate sport that necessitates well-trained horses and high-quality protective gear,
such
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 as helmets, to ensure the safety of the rider.
In addition
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,
sports
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 games are regarded as high-risk activities in comparison to other occupations.
Athletes
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 must constantly face the potential of sustaining injuries throughout each match or daily training session. It is widely recognised that engaging in intense and prolonged training often leads to significant and permanent harm to an athlete's health.
Consequently
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, providing
athletes
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 with a high-profile wage would be equitable compensation for the physical toll on their health.
However
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, it is important to note that enormous earnings should not be only bestowed upon well-known
sports
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 stars, but should
also
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 be extended to normal sportsmen to maintain fairness. Within the realm of
sports
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, only a select few players
in particular
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 highly sought-after games receive substantial wages,
while
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 others do not.
For instance
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, footballers and jockeys may earn millions of dollars every match, rather than on a monthly basis.
However
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, it is important to acknowledge that these games sometimes entail high-stakes gambling, which impacts the real earnings of players and creates a significant disparity between them and individuals in other professions. It is important to avoid
such
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 occurrences in order to mitigate compensation disparities. In conclusion,
in
Change preposition
to
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 a higher
extent
Add a comma
extent,
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 there should be a
restrain
Replace the word
restraint
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 on famed
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athletes
Change noun form
athletes'
athlete's
show examples
 high income. The level of income should be commensurate with the techniques, functions, and market demands of the business.
Athletes
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 should receive comparatively higher pay than white-collar workers, as long as the disparity between the typical person and well-known
sports
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 figures is not excessively huge.

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear central idea that relates back to the main topic and that the transitions between the paragraphs are smooth to guide the reader through the argument
task achievement
Provide a clear position statement early in the essay to establish your stance on the issue and refer back to this position throughout to maintain a strong argument

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • remuneration
  • high-profile
  • endorsements
  • inequality
  • spectator sports
  • revenue streams
  • celebrity status
  • economic disparity
  • social contributions
  • professional tenure
  • financial security
  • ethical dilemmas
  • market-driven economy
  • public influence
  • meritocracy
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