Many children these days have an unhealthy lifestyle. Both parents and schools are responsible for solving this problem. To what extent do you agree with this statement?

In the present day several kids
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
have a
dementrial
Correct your spelling
dementia
style
life
.
The
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
Schooling and family both have the function to resolve
this
question. I totally agree that
School
Fix the agreement mistake
Schools
show examples
and fathers have the obligation
with
Change preposition
to
show examples
their pupils
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
a better
life
Correct your spelling
lifestyle
show examples
style
.
Firstly
, leading with the issue
startes
Correct your spelling
starts
started
at home with their parents, and the best way to solve
this
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
is teaching their children how to have a
behavier
Correct your spelling
behaviour
food
and a
goog
Correct your spelling
good
show examples
ways to have a
life
sytle
Correct your spelling
style
.
This
method will ensure that most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
kids can initiate a healthy
life
at home.
For example
, if most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
parents
Add an article
the parents
show examples
educate
your
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
children
sinced
Correct your spelling
since
they are young, show
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
them that industrial
food
or fast
food
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
is not good for their
body
Fix the agreement mistake
bodies
show examples
and
also
teaching
Wrong verb form
teach
show examples
them the importance of
do
Wrong verb form
doing
show examples
physical exercise it is good
habits
Fix the agreement mistake
habit
show examples
necessary to have a prosperity
life
Correct your spelling
lifestyle
show examples
style
and can give them a less healthy problem in the future.
However
Add a comma
However,
show examples
encouraging their children from home is the best way
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
their healthy
life
Correct your spelling
lifestyle
show examples
style
fo
Correct your spelling
for
show examples
the
futurity
Replace the word
future
show examples
. Another point to consider is that schools need to be connected with a good education at
school
,
therefore
less junk
food
in the canteens of the
school
.
For example
, the Schooling need to implement the
mesure
Correct your spelling
message
to
Add an article
the seller
a seller
show examples
seller
Replace the word
sell
show examples
in their canteens more fresh
food
, no more unhealthy like pizza or
hamburguer
Correct your spelling
hamburger
this
kind of consumption
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
is not good for the body
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
and
also
encouraged
Wrong verb form
encourage
show examples
their pupils to do regular physical exercise in the grade
school
. In conclusion, my point of view
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
is that parents and schooling need to be linked together for the easiest way to provide a healthy
life
Correct your spelling
lifestyle
show examples
style
for their kids.
Submitted by ariannynani on

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structure
The essay lacks a clear and logical structure, making it difficult for the reader to follow the argument. The introduction and conclusion are present but need to be developed further to effectively frame the essay.
support
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea and that the supporting sentences are directly relevant to this main point. Avoid general statements and provide concrete examples to support your argument.
task response
The response to the task is incomplete, and the ideas provided are somewhat relevant but underdeveloped. Work on fully addressing the prompt by exploring the extent of agreement and providing detailed explanations and examples.
cohesion
The written piece demonstrates a need for improved cohesion between ideas and paragraphs. Use cohesive devices such as linking words to improve the flow of information and clearly connect points.

Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

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