IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Many children these days have an unhealthy lifestyle. Both parents and schools are responsible for solving this problem. To what extent do you agree with this statement?

#children #lifestyle #parents #schools
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In the present day several kids
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
have a
dementrial
Correct your spelling
dementia
style
Use synonyms
life
Use synonyms
.
The
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
Schooling and family both have the function to resolve
this
Linking Words
 question. I totally agree that
Use synonyms
School
Fix the agreement mistake
Schools
show examples
 and fathers have the obligation
with
Change preposition
to
show examples
 their pupils
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 a better
Use synonyms
life
Correct your spelling
lifestyle
show examples
style
Use synonyms
.
Firstly
Linking Words
, leading with the issue
startes
Correct your spelling
starts
started
 at home with their parents, and the best way to solve
this
Linking Words
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
is teaching their children how to have a
behavier
Correct your spelling
behaviour
food
Use synonyms
 and a
goog
Correct your spelling
good
show examples
 ways to have a
life
Use synonyms
sytle
Correct your spelling
style
.
This
Linking Words
 method will ensure that most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
kids can initiate a healthy
life
Use synonyms
 at home.
For example
Linking Words
, if most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
parents
Add an article
the parents
show examples
 educate
your
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 children
sinced
Correct your spelling
since
 they are young, show
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
them that industrial
food
Use synonyms
 or fast
food
Use synonyms
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
is not good for their
body
Fix the agreement mistake
bodies
show examples
 and
also
Linking Words
teaching
Wrong verb form
teach
show examples
 them the importance of
do
Wrong verb form
doing
show examples
 physical exercise it is good
habits
Fix the agreement mistake
habit
show examples
 necessary to have a prosperity
Use synonyms
life
Correct your spelling
lifestyle
show examples
style
Use synonyms
 and can give them a less healthy problem in the future.
Linking Words
However
Add a comma
However,
show examples
 encouraging their children from home is the best way
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 their healthy
Use synonyms
life
Correct your spelling
lifestyle
show examples
style
Use synonyms
fo
Correct your spelling
for
show examples
 the
futurity
Replace the word
future
show examples
. Another point to consider is that schools need to be connected with a good education at
school
Use synonyms
,
therefore
Linking Words
 less junk
food
Use synonyms
 in the canteens of the
school
Use synonyms
.
For example
Linking Words
, the Schooling need to implement the
mesure
Correct your spelling
message
 to
Add an article
the seller
a seller
show examples
seller
Replace the word
sell
show examples
 in their canteens more fresh
food
Use synonyms
, no more unhealthy like pizza or
hamburguer
Correct your spelling
hamburger
this
Linking Words
 kind of consumption
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
is not good for the body
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and
also
Linking Words
encouraged
Wrong verb form
encourage
show examples
 their pupils to do regular physical exercise in the grade
school
Use synonyms
. In conclusion, my point of view
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
is that parents and schooling need to be linked together for the easiest way to provide a healthy
Use synonyms
life
Correct your spelling
lifestyle
show examples
style
Use synonyms
 for their kids.
Submitted by ariannynani on

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structure
The essay lacks a clear and logical structure, making it difficult for the reader to follow the argument. The introduction and conclusion are present but need to be developed further to effectively frame the essay.
support
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea and that the supporting sentences are directly relevant to this main point. Avoid general statements and provide concrete examples to support your argument.
task response
The response to the task is incomplete, and the ideas provided are somewhat relevant but underdeveloped. Work on fully addressing the prompt by exploring the extent of agreement and providing detailed explanations and examples.
cohesion
The written piece demonstrates a need for improved cohesion between ideas and paragraphs. Use cohesive devices such as linking words to improve the flow of information and clearly connect points.

Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

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