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Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Some say that the best way to improve public health is by Increasing the number of sport facilities. Others, however, say that this will have little effect on public health and that other measures are required. Discuss both views and give your opinion

#say #health #sport #facilities #effect #measures
Whilst certain
people
 contend the notion that in order to make
people
 healthier, the
number
 of
sport
Change the noun form
sports
show examples
 amenities should be increased,
others
 refuse to settle with
this
 proposal as they
are gravitated
Change to the active voice
gravitate
have gravitated
show examples
 towards the effectiveness of other alternatives
such
 as raising awareness and diet control measures. In my view, boosting public health is a multifaceted phenomenon with a
negligble
Correct your spelling
negligible
correlation between the
number
Change preposition
of sport
show examples
sport
Change the noun form
sports
show examples
 activities. First and foremost,
according to
 some
people
, opening new
sports
 centres will influence
people
 to commence closely engaging in
sports
 activities.
The constructive
Correct article usage
Constructive
show examples
 competition has always been in the centre of gravity for those who are rigorously motivated by the actions of
others
. Interestingly,
this
 type of
people
Fix the agreement mistake
person
show examples
do
Change the verb form
does
show examples
 not display any sign of interest whatsoever unless their comfort
get
Change the verb form
gets
show examples
 challenged by
others
.
In addition
 to that nowadays
Correct article usage
the Government
show examples
Government
Fix the agreement mistake
Governments
show examples
 are installing
sport
Change the noun form
sports
show examples
 equipment around the neighbourhoods and parks to catch public attention and bring them one step closer to a
sportic
Correct your spelling
sports
sporting
 life. To give an example, during the early mornings, the
number
 of
people
 who visit those facilities for training has increased exponentially, resulting in switch of a mindset among
people
 that
once
Add a missing verb
were once
show examples
 the victims of obesity.
On the other hand
, a majority of
people
 still will not participate
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
sports
 events
due to
 the fact that they are not easily motivated by observing the physical success of
others
. It is worth noting that these
people
 can solely be activated by the continuous bombardment of scientific facts and proofs in
regards
Fix the agreement mistake
regard
show examples
 to
the
Change the word
their
show examples
 physical well-being.
Along with
 raising awareness by hosting
compaigns
Correct your spelling
campaigns
 in public, contracting strict diets is
also
 a prudent way of cultivating a healthier lifestyle.
For instance
, some
people
 have hectic schedules and
consequently
, fall short of completing their workouts in
gym
Add an article
the gym
show examples
.
Therefore
, a balancing and nutritious diet is perhaps the most efficient method to keep their bodies in ideal shape. In conclusion,
while
 the rise in
number
Change the article
a number
the number
show examples
 of recently established
sports
 areas
push
Change the verb form
pushes
show examples
people
 with a strong mentality to
workout
Correct your spelling
work out
show examples
,
people
 with less determination are being
alieneted
Correct your spelling
alienated
. In
this
 regard, other proven methodologies like
Correct your spelling
pursuing
show examples
pursing
Correct your spelling
pursuing
show examples
 diets and conducting investigations
Verb problem
apply
show examples
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
play a salient role in refining public health.
Submitted by orkhanshamil on

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task achievement
The essay attempts to address the prompt and presents a discussion of both viewpoints as required. However, it fails to provide a balanced discussion with clear examples that directly support each view. The conclusion is brief and could be more comprehensive.
coherence cohesion
The essay structure is recognizable, with distinct paragraphs, but transitions between ideas can be improved for better flow. There are areas where ideas seem disconnected or repetitive. Aim to enhance the logical progression of ideas by using a wider variety of cohesive devices and clearer topic sentences that directly relate to the question.
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