IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some say that the best way to improve public health is by Increasing the number of sport facilities. Others, however, say that this will have little effect on public health and that other measures are required. Discuss both views and give your opinion

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Whilst certain
people
Use synonyms
 contend the notion that in order to make
people
Use synonyms
 healthier, the
number
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 of
sport
Change the noun form
sports
show examples
 amenities should be increased,
others
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 refuse to settle with
this
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 proposal as they
are gravitated
Change to the active voice
gravitate
have gravitated
show examples
 towards the effectiveness of other alternatives
such
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 as raising awareness and diet control measures. In my view, boosting public health is a multifaceted phenomenon with a
negligble
Correct your spelling
negligible
correlation between the
number
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Change preposition
of sport
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sport
Change the noun form
sports
show examples
 activities. First and foremost,
according to
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 some
people
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, opening new
sports
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 centres will influence
people
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 to commence closely engaging in
sports
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 activities.
The constructive
Correct article usage
Constructive
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 competition has always been in the centre of gravity for those who are rigorously motivated by the actions of
others
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. Interestingly,
this
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 type of
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people
Fix the agreement mistake
person
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do
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does
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 not display any sign of interest whatsoever unless their comfort
get
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gets
show examples
 challenged by
others
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.
In addition
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 to that nowadays
Correct article usage
the Government
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Government
Fix the agreement mistake
Governments
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 are installing
sport
Change the noun form
sports
show examples
 equipment around the neighbourhoods and parks to catch public attention and bring them one step closer to a
sportic
Correct your spelling
sports
sporting
 life. To give an example, during the early mornings, the
number
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 of
people
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 who visit those facilities for training has increased exponentially, resulting in switch of a mindset among
people
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 that
once
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were once
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 the victims of obesity.
On the other hand
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, a majority of
people
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 still will not participate
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
sports
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 events
due to
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 the fact that they are not easily motivated by observing the physical success of
others
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. It is worth noting that these
people
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 can solely be activated by the continuous bombardment of scientific facts and proofs in
regards
Fix the agreement mistake
regard
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 to
the
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their
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 physical well-being.
Along with
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 raising awareness by hosting
compaigns
Correct your spelling
campaigns
 in public, contracting strict diets is
also
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 a prudent way of cultivating a healthier lifestyle.
For instance
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, some
people
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 have hectic schedules and
consequently
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, fall short of completing their workouts in
gym
Add an article
the gym
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.
Therefore
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, a balancing and nutritious diet is perhaps the most efficient method to keep their bodies in ideal shape. In conclusion,
while
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 the rise in
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number
Change the article
a number
the number
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 of recently established
sports
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 areas
push
Change the verb form
pushes
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people
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 with a strong mentality to
workout
Correct your spelling
work out
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,
people
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 with less determination are being
alieneted
Correct your spelling
alienated
. In
this
Linking Words
 regard, other proven methodologies like
Correct your spelling
pursuing
show examples
pursing
Correct your spelling
pursuing
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 diets and conducting investigations
Verb problem
apply
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are
Unnecessary verb
apply
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play a salient role in refining public health.

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task achievement
The essay attempts to address the prompt and presents a discussion of both viewpoints as required. However, it fails to provide a balanced discussion with clear examples that directly support each view. The conclusion is brief and could be more comprehensive.
coherence cohesion
The essay structure is recognizable, with distinct paragraphs, but transitions between ideas can be improved for better flow. There are areas where ideas seem disconnected or repetitive. Aim to enhance the logical progression of ideas by using a wider variety of cohesive devices and clearer topic sentences that directly relate to the question.
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