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Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Some say that music, art and drama are as important as other school subjects, especially at the primary level. Do you agree or disagree?

#say #music #art #drama #school #subjects #level
Some people believe that
arts
 education is as significant as the
study
 of other subjects, especially for primary
students
. I completely agree with
this
 viewpoint because some educational content could be better illustrated in the
forms
Fix the agreement mistake
form
show examples
 of
arts
, and the
study
 of
arts
 is one key consideration
which
Correct word choice
that
show examples
 fosters
all-rounded
Correct article usage
the all-rounded
show examples
 growth of young
students
. The
arts
 could deliver information to
students
, especially to those attending primary schools, in a way that words in textbooks sometimes cannot.
Children
 may become bored and tired if they have to read or listen to too much educational content in textbooks. A
colorful
Change the spelling
colourful
show examples
 painting or a catchy
song
,
on the other hand
, can be much more appealing and
thus
 more effective in conveying information to these
children
.
For example
, the Ghen Covy
song
 has been taught at most schools in Vietnam and has become one of
children’s
Add an article
the children’s
show examples
favorite
Change the spelling
favourite
show examples
 songs.
This
song
 has effectively highlighted the importance of hand washing as a means of disease prevention
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and has made it easier for many
children
 to remember every step of hand sanitization for its catchy melody and appealing dancing moves.
Furthermore
, the
study
 of
arts
 is one factor that contributes to
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 comprehensive development of young
students
.
While
 academic subjects focus on
children
’s cognitive development,
arts
 education
help
Correct subject-verb agreement
helps
show examples
children
 to develop their social-emotional skills. By singing a
song
 or drawing a picture, these
children
 are likely to express their feelings and nurture their sense of community.
For example
, thousands of Vietnamese
children
, who were encouraged by their teaching staff, drew pictures of sunflowers to deliver messages of love and support for pediatric cancer patients. In conclusion, the
arts
 can sometimes be better at transmitting knowledge than textbooks, and the provision of both academic and
arts
 education is necessary for
an
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 all-rounded growth of young
students
. I firmly believe that the
study
 of
arts
 should never be underestimated in any
child
Change noun form
child's
show examples
 educational institution.
Submitted by fajar.triandono on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that the ideas presented in the essay have a clear and logical flow. Transitions between points could be improved to strengthen the cohesion.
coherence cohesion
Maintain a balance between introduction, body, and conclusion. The introduction and conclusion are well-presented, but further development in the body paragraphs will enhance the essay.
coherence cohesion
Support each main point with specific examples and explanations. While the examples provided are relevant, more variety and depth will make the argument convincing.
task achievement
Address the prompt fully by ensuring that your response covers all aspects of the question. Expand on how the study of arts complements academic subjects for a more complete response.
task achievement
Clarify and develop comprehensive ideas further. Each point made is relevant, but additional elaboration will help articulate the thoughts more thoroughly.
task achievement
Incorporate a range of specific examples relevant to the topic to strengthen the argument. While some examples are used, they can be further explained for clarity and impact.

Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

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You are not ready for IELTS Speaking, if you

  • Can’t speak smoothly without pauses.
  • Use simple words and lack vocabulary.
  • Feel nervous and anxious when speaking.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • holistic development
  • fostering
  • emotional intelligence
  • problem-solving skills
  • cultural awareness
  • curriculum
  • engaging
  • memorable
  • nurture
  • talents
  • core subjects
  • academic
  • professional success
What to do next:
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Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

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