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Band 3.5

Nowadays, there is more and more competition for getting into university. Is this a positive or negative development?

#competition #university #development
There are arguments
among
Change preposition
in
show examples
 society that In
this
 modern era, many senior
graduates
 seek to go to universities.
This
phenomena
Change the determiner
phenomenon
show examples
 is positive
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 youngsters, because it means that they have been aware
about
Change the preposition
of
show examples
 the importance of
education
, and
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
college
graduates
 show a significant impact on social life.
To begin
 with, the competition for getting into university
witness
Wrong verb form
witnessed
show examples
 the level of awareness about how crucial
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
education
 is. Compared to the past, students preferred to work
instead
 of looking for jobs.
However
, now
education
 is the key
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
 having work.
Moreover
,
by
Change preposition
apply
show examples
this
 competition,
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
will encourage learners to
prepared
Wrong verb form
prepare
show examples
 well. In
other word
Change the wording
another word
other words
show examples
, they will study hard
for passing
Change preposition
to pass
show examples
 the requirements and tests,
it
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 directly increases their effort and knowledge.
For example
, the cutting-edge universities in Indonesia relatively require high scores for certain subjects
such
 as math,
physic
Fix the agreement mistake
physics
show examples
, and science, and they
also
 conduct a general test in advance. Not only increasing
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
awareness but
also
 impact on social life.
This
 leads to the success of university
graduates
 showed in public meaning the university can produce brilliant
graduates
. If it
is
Verb problem
does
show examples
 not work, people will not choose to study more.
Moreover
, when the number of educated people rises, it will indirectly improve the development of their country, economically and educationally.
Therefore
, modern student prefer to continue their
education
, because they have seen the result in society.
To sum up
,
this
 positive development
encourage
Change the verb form
encourages
show examples
 people to be aware
with
Change preposition
of
show examples
education
 and it leads to a successful
live
Replace the word
life
show examples
.
Submitted by misstiasclassroom on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure a coherent structure by using clear topic sentences and well-organized paragraphs.
coherence cohesion
Maintain cohesion by consistently using transition words and phrases to connect ideas.
coherence cohesion
Introduce your essay with a clear statement of your viewpoint and conclude with a summary or recommendation that reflects the body of your essay.
task achievement
Fully address all parts of the task ensuring your ideas clearly respond to the task prompt.
task achievement
Expand on your main ideas with detailed, relevant examples to support your arguments.
task achievement
Aim for clear, fully developed ideas in each paragraph to effectively communicate your position on the topic.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • academic achievements
  • foster
  • culture of excellence
  • merit-based system
  • dedicated
  • educational institutions
  • quality education
  • future workforce
  • stress and pressure
  • fierce competition
  • mental health
  • anxiety
  • depression
  • burnout
  • tertiary education
  • less privileged backgrounds
  • exacerbate
  • social inequality
  • drives innovation
  • programs and facilities
  • overemphasis
  • creativity
  • critical thinking
  • ethical judgment
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